Chaotic Thoughts

I heard on a TV show that music becomes a soundtrack for your life. Music can define where you have been, where you are going, who you have been and who you will become. That music can define situations and hold onto memories allowing you to relive these moments with a clarity that is unbelievable. I never gave this concept much thought but its the truth. A song comes on the radio or you hear it while sitting in the car, a waiting room, a store, someone else humming its tune and visions and thoughts bounce back to you. It's amazing how one song can trigger tears instantly or anger. To completely transform your state of thought instantly. Defining that moment in time for you. Bringing back everything you felt at that moment. I have had a lot of these "moments' happen recently and have made me really dig down and listen to the lyrics, read the lyrics, listen to the beat and tempo of the song and wonder how this happens. How can someone else's random words become etched into our memories and capture moments, hours, days, weeks or even years. How can this define who we where then? 

A lot has changed for me recently. I feel a constant sense of nervousness in me. Instability. I want to be settled. I want to be comfortable again. Transition is always very hard on me. Not knowing where things are, not knowing where your going or when. Or even how. 

I used to say that I was an overall happy person. I don't know if that is how I could define myself now. I feel much more dark than I ever was. I feel that happiness isn't something that is meant for me. Maybe I don't allow happiness. Maybe I am the reason. I don't really know. I know that I have gone through life and have all these people that love me but no one wants to stay with me. Since the past has repeated itself I am sure now that the issue is me. There is something wrong with me. And its hard because of course those will tell you, "Oh no its not you" but no matter how many times it is said thats how it feels on the inside. Yes, sometimes people just don't work. Sometimes people drift apart. And sometimes this happens for one person in a relationship but not the other. Right now I am dealing with a lot of thoughts. A lot of confusion. I am sure I am the reason for most of this. I am sure that I am making things harder than they need to be right now. But I cant stop the thinking. I can't stop the wondering. I can't stop the pain. I thought by now I would be able to handle things a little easier. I thought that I would have a better grip on life and what it had in store for me. To have it in my mind that this is what is best. That this is what was needed and that I need to be supportive and loving and caring and I need to put other feelings aside. But really inside I feel as if I am drowning. I am hurt. I am upset. I am scared. I am worried. I am a little mad. I feel that decisions are made for me sometimes. Because I can't find my own voice. That I can't but those thoughts into the right words. That I can't express myself correctly. That I stumble constantly on how to communicate. My words get jumbled, thoughts scrambled. 

I want to be in their lives. I truly do. Its something that I have never doubted. But will it get easier? The pain when I am there will it go away? To see the three people that were my life, my everything. The three people that helped define who I was. Yes, I can be there whenever I want I have not been denied anything. I could come and go as I please. But at night when I want to be able to hear the girls or look over and know she is there for me.  To know that if I go to hug her I wont feel guilty or wonder if I shouldn't That when I just need someone to be there to know what I am feeling without speaking a word I can look at her and know she know's what I am feeling and will know exactly what to said or do to make me feel better. I am afraid that the pain that I am feeling right now if I spend too much time there then I will end up saying or doing something that I shouldnt and then putting a wedge in between us. Or damage our friendship. I am scared that I will get hurt again even more. I don't know how I am supposed to feel. I know when I am there I am happy to be around all of them I am happy that when I am there they show that they missed me and are happy I am there. Which makes it worse for me because I miss them SO much. I miss them, everything about them. I feel so empty.. so alone. So scared. I just wish I had answers... 

And for this.. I plug in my earbuds.. click to some of my favorite music and hope to drown my sorrows in music. 

Everything seems to be happening so quickly. So many different things happening all at once. Not that I am complaining in the least little bit, but never thought things could so drastically change in such a short amount of time. In this process I have learned a little about myself. I am withheld... more so than I thought. I find it a fight to say what I am thinking or feeling. I finally do end up saying or doing whatever it was, just dont understand why I fight with myself before doing so. I guess I am so used to my thoughts and feelings not wanting to be heard I got used to keeping them bottled up. I am sure that I will get much better.. just something to learn that its okay to do.

I must say that life has its ups and downs. I am the happiest I have ever been emotionally, yet I am completely upset about all the medical issues that have come to surface here the past few months. I have to remember to keep strong and remember to live my life the way I would have before. I need to take better care of myself.

Only 30 min left of work... gonna clean up the desk and get ready to get outta here..

Is is amazing how one person can believe something false is a truth. How they can believe the delusions in their mind are what everyone else thinks and or feels. I dont understand how someone can live in such a different world than everyone else involved. My most recent life situation has brought someone from my past back into my life. It has become a somewhat difficult situation because her ex is trying everything I believe to come between the two of us and its getting old hearing the same conversations over and over between the two of them.

I understand hurt and pain I have been there and have lived through it. When my ex moved on very quickly after a SIX year relationship I did none of the things that A's ex is doing. Life happens I dont know how else to explain it. For one reason or another things happen for a reason. Learn to grow and move through it not try to constantly relive the past or now because you lost what you wanted most in life try and be the person that you think that they want you to be. A and I have told her several times that we would like for all of us to be friends and keep things friendly. However A's ex is making this really hard because she won't move on and is making some very bad decisions.

I do believe her intentions are to hurt A and I's relationship, however she will not succeed because I will not let it. I have to remember that I am with who I love and she is with me.. no one else.

I love you hon... and no matter what... we will make it through!

It always seems that when you think life is all messed up things go back to a "normal". You have to handle all of the ups and downs to have a decent life. I have noticed that if you chose to just put things aside or in the back of your mind they make life worse. You would think that after I constantly say that to people I would have gotten it through my head.

I talked to someone tonight about everything going on and I feel as if I can think somewhat clearly again. That maybe my mind is free of all of the negative thoughts that I was having. Just with losing my job after all that I was told really affected me. I felt like I was worthless. I felt like I had lost all of my game.. I dunna. Went from such a high to such a low.

Ahh... pilates is killing me... I need to shower...

Honestly amazing how much changes in such short periods of time. How many things can cross your plate! Whirlwind of emotions and trying to make heads and tails of all of the thoughts going through my mind. In several ways I feel connected to a couple of people but not sure where to take these thoughts/feelings. I have had my fair share of people comming in and gracing my life and moving on just as quickly as they have come into it. There are a few people that have come into my life recently that I really can see myself caring for. Trying to decide what is the best path for me to follow. I never thought that it would be this hard to make a move in my life. I want so badly to make the right decision, to move on forward with my life.

My heart has mended from the past I have been able to move past those things that have been haunting me for so long making me be someone that I am not. I finally feel free from all of my problems and all of the things that I have gone through. I have done a lot of damage to lots of people in the past. I have been trying to make things right with people. I have come to find out that it is much harder than I thought that it would be, however this is something that I need to do for myself. Something that I need to do to complete the cycle of walking through my past and moving onto the future.


Maybe I am just at the point where I am to try new things, really get to know someone before I take that next step. To move slow. I always seem to jump head first into everything. Hell, I am rambling.. and really tired for once..

So had quite a busy day today, actually a busy weekend. Lots of things going on in preperation to this comming weekend. Funny, most of the time on Sundays I am no where close to planning the next weekend but now it is mandatory. I still have a lot to accomplish. I thought I was done with Christmas shopping but it seems I have left a few folks out. Paycheck comes tomorrow, although most of it is dedicated to bills I will have to squeeze a few gifts out of it as well.

My day started with snow gently drifting from the sky above (thankfully not a bit of it stuck), then the 1hr 20min drive to IL to meet up with Cindy and Zach to turn around and head back into St. Louis to go to the Rams game.. noon kickoff.. Sarah was up early, but running late as usual. It was a good game to watch, quite a bit of good ol' football action, plus I love watching all of the people in the stands. (That is what us people watchers do) I love to watch how people interact with one another, how they show excitement and their disappointment. Both of these things you see a lot of at sports functions. I was even raised out of my seat a time or two both for good and bad reasons.

After the game was done we took off to the St. Louis Galleria (a mall for those of you who dont know) and Cindy and Zach finished their christmas shopping. It was kind of amazing that the mall was not as packed as I would have thought. Oh well, good news for us. heh

Then we went to meet up with Cindys mom and dad at church to watch the Lighting of the Christmas tree. Made me feel better about missing church for the past three weeks. It was kind of nice I suppose in that churchy get in the spirit of christmas sort of way. I love listening to choirs especially good ones, and this one was pretty good. They had a bunch of the girls dressed as angels that danced to most of the songs, very well put together I must say.

By this time we were all starving so we headed to Applebees, the home of Sarahs favorite drink where I had a little to much to drink and am feeling a tad bit lightheaded.

I found myself today having obscure thoughts in my mind, random thoughts, ones that didnt belong together. I dunna, am going to have to try and figure out what they meant. I am tired.. and really need to get to sleep. I was going to play hooky from work tomorrow but forgot that we are having the departments Christmas lunch.. so I at least have to go long enough to be there for that.. I may go just for that.. I have a lot of shit to get done this week.. and so little time to get it done in... plus try to keep up with my social life...

I am thinking of you tonight, you know who you are, you are in my thoughts as I know I am in yours I can't wait for the time that we can spend together holding one another. These thoughts are what keep me warm at night.. thank you babe!!

Things have been moving along somewhat normally and I have been keeping myself busy. There are so many things that I hope to accomplish by the end of the year I can hardly believe it is less than a month away. So much has changed this year it is kinda unbelieveable. I have changed. I am a completely different person than I was a year ago. For that I am extremely thankful.

I hope everyone is doing well, I have been doing a horrible job of keeping in touch with people. I will post more this weekend. I have a lot on my mind, just no time to write.

It is cold, dark and rainy on this Halloween, totally suiting to my mood here recently. So many things that have happened none of them life altering or anything, just lots to think about recently. I wish for one day I could just wake up and not be thinking about work, Reuben, and all of the things that I still want to accomplish in a very short amount of time. I don't understand why I have such a problem with attaching myself to people so quickly, why I allow my emotions to over rule my decision making. I know what I want right now and it is indeed solitude. I want to be left alone to think and complete these goals that I have set for myself. I have very high expectations of myself and I know that in order to do them I need to concentrate on me and my life. I know that having someone else in my life I will then allow them to consume me and their wants and needs will then shortly become mine, loosing sight of what I want and need out of life. I need this time alone. I enjoy time alone. I don't mind being single and I know that in the end I will be much more self confident.

Stay strong.. be true to myself.. everyone that steps in my way can fuck off!!

Okay... so here I am in the middle of Missouri and I have had no effect of the hurricanes... however it has come really close to hurting some people that are close to me. The amount of lives that have been lost are unreal and sometimes makes you wonder what is God thinking up there. Is this part of his plan... well of course it is.. but why do so many people have to suffer?? We have had flooding here in Missouri once about every three years.. but to have such a major loss of life and property.. it is just.. well... heart wrenching.

Tonight I experienced my first livestock auction. We bought four hens and 30 bales of hay. I know.. sounds so exciting.

This morning I had to go to the airport to pick up a friend of mine Holly who came in from Michigan to see me. We havent seen one another for 5 years. Seems almost uncanny that you can have friends out there so far away. I fear that I am boring her with my country living atmosphere. I think she was a little shocked when we put two of our goats into Donnas van to take them to the auction to sell tonight. I think she has everyone back home convienced that we are on some crazy drugs or something.. or maybe she is..??? heh

Ahh.. so I had big plans to take her to one of our state parks this weekend not realizing that it was a holiday weekend and that it would be completely packed and totally unenjoyable. So instead.. I take her to see heads of cattle tonight... lol.. okay.. I must get my beauty rest..