Chaotic Thoughts

So okay, we weren't married, we didn't have a wedding... but we shared every aspect of our lives, we vowed our love for one another, we shared raising children, we shared all the big things and all the little things.

I have been down this road before, I have been hurt before, I have thought that I was doing okay before, and then something hits. Something happens and it hits me like a huge slap in the face. Its like I completely go backwards to where I thought that I was. For the first time ever, I am looking to find a place of my own, buy the stuff needed to fill it, and make it ... alone. Something I have never done. Its intimidating to say the least. So not only am I dealing with the fact that the one relationship I honestly thought somehow would make it through all of life's ups and downs has crumbled. Trying to remain friends, trying to pick up the pieces and go on with life as if it were all normal. All of this just plain hurts. Hurts like nothing else I have ever felt before. I feel raw, beaten, and just alone. I dont know who to talk to about this. I dont know who will honestly hear everything that I have to say, things I feel that I NEED to get off of my chest to be able to breathe again. To be able to just live..

I don't know what that feels like anymore.. to just live.. to just breathe...

I am scared, scared that I can't make it on my own. Scared I am not strong enough to do this. Scared that I cant hold it together. How do you find the strength to carry on? To take these huge leaps forward.... feeling like there is no one there to honestly catch me if I fail. No one to share this with. I don't know what its like to completely be alone. I don't know how...

Dont know how I am going to survive...

I lay in bed wondering if this day is going to be any different than yesterday. Is there a hope that things will become more clear in my head. I look around me and see chaos. Self-destruction. I need to find my path again a path that at one time was so clear to me. I know now how much I want to get done and all of the goals that I have set for myself and I am wondering when I will be able to accomplish them all. I have completely allowed myself to get off of my path and to have been mislead. I need to focus on work and school and make my goals reality. My dreams at night are full of wonder and awe. I wish my everyday life could be anything like the dreams that I am having. I awaken in the morning feeling refreshed and relaxed a feeling that is so new to me. I stand in the shower allowing the water to wash off of me all of the bad in my life allowing me to start each day anew. Everyday is another new beginning. Another day to have a chance to leave your footprint. I am happy, honestly happy and alone. I can see this now. I like it this way. I like knowing that I can succeed in life with no one else by my side. I have a few wonderful friends and those that I can confide in which is all I need at this point. Everything else is just a distraction. These glorious thoughts always come a few days to late.. but better late than never..

I feel alive again.. so those of you who try and bring me down and like to pry into a persons personal life and talk about it behind my back FUCK OFF!!! You are no friend to me.. you are not needed in my life.. go away!! Please!! I beg you to just leave my life alone.. I am allowed to make whatever decisions I want in life and you are no one to be talking about my life to anyone else... live your own life.. leave mine alone.