Chaotic Thoughts

I heard on a TV show that music becomes a soundtrack for your life. Music can define where you have been, where you are going, who you have been and who you will become. That music can define situations and hold onto memories allowing you to relive these moments with a clarity that is unbelievable. I never gave this concept much thought but its the truth. A song comes on the radio or you hear it while sitting in the car, a waiting room, a store, someone else humming its tune and visions and thoughts bounce back to you. It's amazing how one song can trigger tears instantly or anger. To completely transform your state of thought instantly. Defining that moment in time for you. Bringing back everything you felt at that moment. I have had a lot of these "moments' happen recently and have made me really dig down and listen to the lyrics, read the lyrics, listen to the beat and tempo of the song and wonder how this happens. How can someone else's random words become etched into our memories and capture moments, hours, days, weeks or even years. How can this define who we where then? 

A lot has changed for me recently. I feel a constant sense of nervousness in me. Instability. I want to be settled. I want to be comfortable again. Transition is always very hard on me. Not knowing where things are, not knowing where your going or when. Or even how. 

I used to say that I was an overall happy person. I don't know if that is how I could define myself now. I feel much more dark than I ever was. I feel that happiness isn't something that is meant for me. Maybe I don't allow happiness. Maybe I am the reason. I don't really know. I know that I have gone through life and have all these people that love me but no one wants to stay with me. Since the past has repeated itself I am sure now that the issue is me. There is something wrong with me. And its hard because of course those will tell you, "Oh no its not you" but no matter how many times it is said thats how it feels on the inside. Yes, sometimes people just don't work. Sometimes people drift apart. And sometimes this happens for one person in a relationship but not the other. Right now I am dealing with a lot of thoughts. A lot of confusion. I am sure I am the reason for most of this. I am sure that I am making things harder than they need to be right now. But I cant stop the thinking. I can't stop the wondering. I can't stop the pain. I thought by now I would be able to handle things a little easier. I thought that I would have a better grip on life and what it had in store for me. To have it in my mind that this is what is best. That this is what was needed and that I need to be supportive and loving and caring and I need to put other feelings aside. But really inside I feel as if I am drowning. I am hurt. I am upset. I am scared. I am worried. I am a little mad. I feel that decisions are made for me sometimes. Because I can't find my own voice. That I can't but those thoughts into the right words. That I can't express myself correctly. That I stumble constantly on how to communicate. My words get jumbled, thoughts scrambled. 

I want to be in their lives. I truly do. Its something that I have never doubted. But will it get easier? The pain when I am there will it go away? To see the three people that were my life, my everything. The three people that helped define who I was. Yes, I can be there whenever I want I have not been denied anything. I could come and go as I please. But at night when I want to be able to hear the girls or look over and know she is there for me.  To know that if I go to hug her I wont feel guilty or wonder if I shouldn't That when I just need someone to be there to know what I am feeling without speaking a word I can look at her and know she know's what I am feeling and will know exactly what to said or do to make me feel better. I am afraid that the pain that I am feeling right now if I spend too much time there then I will end up saying or doing something that I shouldnt and then putting a wedge in between us. Or damage our friendship. I am scared that I will get hurt again even more. I don't know how I am supposed to feel. I know when I am there I am happy to be around all of them I am happy that when I am there they show that they missed me and are happy I am there. Which makes it worse for me because I miss them SO much. I miss them, everything about them. I feel so empty.. so alone. So scared. I just wish I had answers... 

And for this.. I plug in my earbuds.. click to some of my favorite music and hope to drown my sorrows in music. 

Holy crap the weather here is freaking cold and blah. I love the rain don't get me wrong but I am beginning to feel like a wet dog. Its so dark in the morning ... its amazing how dark it is really.  I still am not used to the drive. Its getting better but its still a very long drive every morning. But I do get to take little country/backwoods highways most of the way which aren't to massively jammed with traffic I actually most mornings have been able to drive the speed limit.

So I was looking at houses/apartments for rent last night. There is a 2 bedroom villa in St. Clair that has a full basement, 2 bathrooms, a 1 car garage, vaulted ceilings and its only about 5 years old that they want $650 a month for. I can't believe how extremely cheap that is compared to $650 a month for a crappy one bedroom apartment in St. Louis. I am so torn on where I should live. If I stay out by my parents cost of living is a whole lot cheaper but I love living in St. Louis. I don't know where I am going to fall. Thank goodness a decision doesn't have to be made right at this moment or else I think I would be screwed.

So its Wednesday morning, got up this morning after pounding the alarm clock for almost an  hour. I feel like crap was my very first thought this morning as my feet hit the floor. The more I moved the more I really agreed with my first coherent thought of the day. I made it to work. Yet, feeling worse as time passes. I hope I can make it today. I have too much to do to go home. I hate days like this. Well hope everyone has a good day!

Just want to make sure that this works.

Random thoughts are constantly going through my mind. They stopped for awhile with medication but are now always there again. They spin like a top in my mind. After awhile this gets very tiring. At times I can ground myself but others my mind really just wonders and runs off on its own little thought... hell I dont even remember where I was going with this... I will try again later...

Day is almost over.

With everything else going on in life I can't believe that I feel I have found the person that I could honestly spend the rest of my life with. Every moment we are together is full of happiness and love. We fit together like we were meant for one another. Falling asleep in her arms is everything that I had dreamed it to be. She is such a loving partner. She constantly reminds me how much she loves me, which I dont need to be reminded but I love hearing it. *cheesy grin* These four weeks I am off of work are going to fly by WAY TO FAST! I am getting so attached to her and being with her all day everyday, it is going to suck going back to work and having to be apart from her all day. But gotta make money and haven't figured out how to do that with sitting at home and working so I guess its to an office I go.

Well gotta get going... have a great day everyone!

So.. I am scheduled for carpal tunnel surgery on Tuesday I cant believe that I am not really scared about the surgery. Just a little nervous about not being able to use my right hand for several days or however long it takes. It has been a long time since I have been "under the knife". I will be off of work for four weeks. I can't believe that it will take that long to recoup from such a "normal" run of the mill surgery these days. I thought maybe a few days.. maybe a week.. but four. I will enjoy having the time off of work to honestly get situated at home. I still have things scattered here and there and will be nice to get them to their proper resting places.
Well I think we need some family time... gotta go...

Everything seems to be happening so quickly. So many different things happening all at once. Not that I am complaining in the least little bit, but never thought things could so drastically change in such a short amount of time. In this process I have learned a little about myself. I am withheld... more so than I thought. I find it a fight to say what I am thinking or feeling. I finally do end up saying or doing whatever it was, just dont understand why I fight with myself before doing so. I guess I am so used to my thoughts and feelings not wanting to be heard I got used to keeping them bottled up. I am sure that I will get much better.. just something to learn that its okay to do.

I must say that life has its ups and downs. I am the happiest I have ever been emotionally, yet I am completely upset about all the medical issues that have come to surface here the past few months. I have to remember to keep strong and remember to live my life the way I would have before. I need to take better care of myself.

Only 30 min left of work... gonna clean up the desk and get ready to get outta here..

Is is amazing how one person can believe something false is a truth. How they can believe the delusions in their mind are what everyone else thinks and or feels. I dont understand how someone can live in such a different world than everyone else involved. My most recent life situation has brought someone from my past back into my life. It has become a somewhat difficult situation because her ex is trying everything I believe to come between the two of us and its getting old hearing the same conversations over and over between the two of them.

I understand hurt and pain I have been there and have lived through it. When my ex moved on very quickly after a SIX year relationship I did none of the things that A's ex is doing. Life happens I dont know how else to explain it. For one reason or another things happen for a reason. Learn to grow and move through it not try to constantly relive the past or now because you lost what you wanted most in life try and be the person that you think that they want you to be. A and I have told her several times that we would like for all of us to be friends and keep things friendly. However A's ex is making this really hard because she won't move on and is making some very bad decisions.

I do believe her intentions are to hurt A and I's relationship, however she will not succeed because I will not let it. I have to remember that I am with who I love and she is with me.. no one else.

I love you hon... and no matter what... we will make it through!