Chaotic Thoughts

So you think your doing okay. You think that things are slowly falling into some kind of routine. That life is somehow starting to work out and something happens, what I have no idea. Last night I put my iPod in the dock, put it on random and the third song that played made tears just roll down my face. And it hit me all over again - how much I love her, miss her, want to be with her. Not that the thought ever really left my mind but I thought that I was coping with it well and the nights of crying had finally ended. Its so amazing how life changes and throws things back at you. I am very lonely, not used to being by myself and miss them so very much. I want to be a mommy - I those two little angels so very much.

There are times when I see Kelci its almost like she doesn't quiet want to warm up to me right away - like she doesn’t remember who I am right off. This breaks my heart. I used to sit in the recliner and rock her to sleep signing to her and just watching her sleep. When she was sick she would lie on me and sleep. Kailee is excited when I come in which makes me feel SO good.  When she was smaller we would sit together and watch movies or TV. She was such a cuddle bug.  So many memories. So many moments that just touches your heart. Kailees little hand in mine while walking through a store or to the car. The first time she called me mommy. She wanted to call me mommy - it made me feel amazing. I am so scared I will never get to have a child. The kids that have been in my life have all been taken away from me.

Yes I still see the girls and they are still a part of my life but I loved being their mommy, I loved being there to share their joys and fears and tears. To watch them grow everyday and be there when they went to bed each night. To come home to them every night. To know also that there was someone waiting for me when I came home. To share my life with someone. To share my love with someone. Someone I love so very much.

I know that life has a way of doing what is best for you, but this doesn’t feel right to me. Every time I see her I feel how much I love her. It’s not just a thought in my mind but a feeling that runs through my entire body.  It’s so much harder than I ever thought that it would be. I try to put on a happy face but at times it’s really, really hard. I am in love with her and want so badly to be with her, but I know that won't happen.

My heart is broken - honestly broken. Someone, somehow make this pain go away.

The song that made me cry:

Ordinary no, I really don’t think so
Not a love this true
Common destiny
We were meant to be
Me and you

Like a perfect scene from a movie screen
We’re a dream come true
Suited perfectly for eternity
Me and you

Every day, I need you even more
And the night time too
There’s no way
I could ever let you go
Even if I wanted to

Every day I live
I try my best to give
All I have to you
I thank the stars above
That we share this love me and you

Every day, I need you even more
And the night time too
There’s no way
I could ever let you go
Even if I wanted to

Ordinary no, I really don’t think so
Just a precious few
Ever make it last
Get as lucky as
Me and you
Me and you

-Kenny Chesney “Me and You”