Chaotic Thoughts

I heard on a TV show that music becomes a soundtrack for your life. Music can define where you have been, where you are going, who you have been and who you will become. That music can define situations and hold onto memories allowing you to relive these moments with a clarity that is unbelievable. I never gave this concept much thought but its the truth. A song comes on the radio or you hear it while sitting in the car, a waiting room, a store, someone else humming its tune and visions and thoughts bounce back to you. It's amazing how one song can trigger tears instantly or anger. To completely transform your state of thought instantly. Defining that moment in time for you. Bringing back everything you felt at that moment. I have had a lot of these "moments' happen recently and have made me really dig down and listen to the lyrics, read the lyrics, listen to the beat and tempo of the song and wonder how this happens. How can someone else's random words become etched into our memories and capture moments, hours, days, weeks or even years. How can this define who we where then? 

A lot has changed for me recently. I feel a constant sense of nervousness in me. Instability. I want to be settled. I want to be comfortable again. Transition is always very hard on me. Not knowing where things are, not knowing where your going or when. Or even how. 

I used to say that I was an overall happy person. I don't know if that is how I could define myself now. I feel much more dark than I ever was. I feel that happiness isn't something that is meant for me. Maybe I don't allow happiness. Maybe I am the reason. I don't really know. I know that I have gone through life and have all these people that love me but no one wants to stay with me. Since the past has repeated itself I am sure now that the issue is me. There is something wrong with me. And its hard because of course those will tell you, "Oh no its not you" but no matter how many times it is said thats how it feels on the inside. Yes, sometimes people just don't work. Sometimes people drift apart. And sometimes this happens for one person in a relationship but not the other. Right now I am dealing with a lot of thoughts. A lot of confusion. I am sure I am the reason for most of this. I am sure that I am making things harder than they need to be right now. But I cant stop the thinking. I can't stop the wondering. I can't stop the pain. I thought by now I would be able to handle things a little easier. I thought that I would have a better grip on life and what it had in store for me. To have it in my mind that this is what is best. That this is what was needed and that I need to be supportive and loving and caring and I need to put other feelings aside. But really inside I feel as if I am drowning. I am hurt. I am upset. I am scared. I am worried. I am a little mad. I feel that decisions are made for me sometimes. Because I can't find my own voice. That I can't but those thoughts into the right words. That I can't express myself correctly. That I stumble constantly on how to communicate. My words get jumbled, thoughts scrambled. 

I want to be in their lives. I truly do. Its something that I have never doubted. But will it get easier? The pain when I am there will it go away? To see the three people that were my life, my everything. The three people that helped define who I was. Yes, I can be there whenever I want I have not been denied anything. I could come and go as I please. But at night when I want to be able to hear the girls or look over and know she is there for me.  To know that if I go to hug her I wont feel guilty or wonder if I shouldn't That when I just need someone to be there to know what I am feeling without speaking a word I can look at her and know she know's what I am feeling and will know exactly what to said or do to make me feel better. I am afraid that the pain that I am feeling right now if I spend too much time there then I will end up saying or doing something that I shouldnt and then putting a wedge in between us. Or damage our friendship. I am scared that I will get hurt again even more. I don't know how I am supposed to feel. I know when I am there I am happy to be around all of them I am happy that when I am there they show that they missed me and are happy I am there. Which makes it worse for me because I miss them SO much. I miss them, everything about them. I feel so empty.. so alone. So scared. I just wish I had answers... 

And for this.. I plug in my earbuds.. click to some of my favorite music and hope to drown my sorrows in music. 

So it's Friday! The weather in St. Louis is awesome today. Cooler, humidity is low, there is a nice breeze. What more could you ask for right? Well I would LOVE to be able to be home with the windows open letting all this wonderfulness into the apartment. Work has been steady today but not quite as busy as it has been. Boss didn't stick around today I guess the weather was too nice for him to be in the office all day. I don't blame him.

Got the car washed on lunch today. I need to run errands tonight after work then going home and mostly going to try and go to bed early. I am tired.

I haven't been sleeping well at all since moving to the apartment. I take good naps on the couch though. Its the overnight sleeping that sucks. Days are getting easier in a way, but still hard. It's a huge change, a huge hole left in my life. In a sense its like I still don't believe that all of this really happened.


I guess in time all will fall into place - its just honestly believe this was all supposed to happen is whats hard for me.

Thought I would show everyone my wonderful carpal tunnel stitches. I think that they look like train tracks.

Hurts like hell too! Not to mention the damn four times they had to cut my stomach for the other recent surgery!! Surgeons are knife crazy I swear! Haha!

Other than the recent hospital trips life has been amazing. I have found someone to share my life with completely. We have only been together for a short amount of time yet I feel as if we have been together for years. There are so many positive things happening right now in life I dont know what I have done to get so friggin lucky!

Angie is taking very good care of me while I am unable to pretty much do anything with my right side. I didnt really think about all of the things that would be hard to do. However, one thing that really bothers me is that I can't pick our daughter up and we cant horse around like we normally do. Soon I hope to be healed up and life can get back to normal.

I must say... I have got to be one of the happiest people alive right now! Life is gooooood!

Is is amazing how one person can believe something false is a truth. How they can believe the delusions in their mind are what everyone else thinks and or feels. I dont understand how someone can live in such a different world than everyone else involved. My most recent life situation has brought someone from my past back into my life. It has become a somewhat difficult situation because her ex is trying everything I believe to come between the two of us and its getting old hearing the same conversations over and over between the two of them.

I understand hurt and pain I have been there and have lived through it. When my ex moved on very quickly after a SIX year relationship I did none of the things that A's ex is doing. Life happens I dont know how else to explain it. For one reason or another things happen for a reason. Learn to grow and move through it not try to constantly relive the past or now because you lost what you wanted most in life try and be the person that you think that they want you to be. A and I have told her several times that we would like for all of us to be friends and keep things friendly. However A's ex is making this really hard because she won't move on and is making some very bad decisions.

I do believe her intentions are to hurt A and I's relationship, however she will not succeed because I will not let it. I have to remember that I am with who I love and she is with me.. no one else.

I love you hon... and no matter what... we will make it through!