Nov. 15th, 2009 12:26 am
jstmealways: (Blue Moon)
I heard on a TV show that music becomes a soundtrack for your life. Music can define where you have been, where you are going, who you have been and who you will become. That music can define situations and hold onto memories allowing you to relive these moments with a clarity that is unbelievable. I never gave this concept much thought but its the truth. A song comes on the radio or you hear it while sitting in the car, a waiting room, a store, someone else humming its tune and visions and thoughts bounce back to you. It's amazing how one song can trigger tears instantly or anger. To completely transform your state of thought instantly. Defining that moment in time for you. Bringing back everything you felt at that moment. I have had a lot of these "moments' happen recently and have made me really dig down and listen to the lyrics, read the lyrics, listen to the beat and tempo of the song and wonder how this happens. How can someone else's random words become etched into our memories and capture moments, hours, days, weeks or even years. How can this define who we where then? 

A lot has changed for me recently. I feel a constant sense of nervousness in me. Instability. I want to be settled. I want to be comfortable again. Transition is always very hard on me. Not knowing where things are, not knowing where your going or when. Or even how. 

I used to say that I was an overall happy person. I don't know if that is how I could define myself now. I feel much more dark than I ever was. I feel that happiness isn't something that is meant for me. Maybe I don't allow happiness. Maybe I am the reason. I don't really know. I know that I have gone through life and have all these people that love me but no one wants to stay with me. Since the past has repeated itself I am sure now that the issue is me. There is something wrong with me. And its hard because of course those will tell you, "Oh no its not you" but no matter how many times it is said thats how it feels on the inside. Yes, sometimes people just don't work. Sometimes people drift apart. And sometimes this happens for one person in a relationship but not the other. Right now I am dealing with a lot of thoughts. A lot of confusion. I am sure I am the reason for most of this. I am sure that I am making things harder than they need to be right now. But I cant stop the thinking. I can't stop the wondering. I can't stop the pain. I thought by now I would be able to handle things a little easier. I thought that I would have a better grip on life and what it had in store for me. To have it in my mind that this is what is best. That this is what was needed and that I need to be supportive and loving and caring and I need to put other feelings aside. But really inside I feel as if I am drowning. I am hurt. I am upset. I am scared. I am worried. I am a little mad. I feel that decisions are made for me sometimes. Because I can't find my own voice. That I can't but those thoughts into the right words. That I can't express myself correctly. That I stumble constantly on how to communicate. My words get jumbled, thoughts scrambled. 

I want to be in their lives. I truly do. Its something that I have never doubted. But will it get easier? The pain when I am there will it go away? To see the three people that were my life, my everything. The three people that helped define who I was. Yes, I can be there whenever I want I have not been denied anything. I could come and go as I please. But at night when I want to be able to hear the girls or look over and know she is there for me.  To know that if I go to hug her I wont feel guilty or wonder if I shouldn't That when I just need someone to be there to know what I am feeling without speaking a word I can look at her and know she know's what I am feeling and will know exactly what to said or do to make me feel better. I am afraid that the pain that I am feeling right now if I spend too much time there then I will end up saying or doing something that I shouldnt and then putting a wedge in between us. Or damage our friendship. I am scared that I will get hurt again even more. I don't know how I am supposed to feel. I know when I am there I am happy to be around all of them I am happy that when I am there they show that they missed me and are happy I am there. Which makes it worse for me because I miss them SO much. I miss them, everything about them. I feel so empty.. so alone. So scared. I just wish I had answers... 

And for this.. I plug in my earbuds.. click to some of my favorite music and hope to drown my sorrows in music. 
jstmealways: (Wish I could Say)
So okay, we weren't married, we didn't have a wedding... but we shared every aspect of our lives, we vowed our love for one another, we shared raising children, we shared all the big things and all the little things.

I have been down this road before, I have been hurt before, I have thought that I was doing okay before, and then something hits. Something happens and it hits me like a huge slap in the face. Its like I completely go backwards to where I thought that I was. For the first time ever, I am looking to find a place of my own, buy the stuff needed to fill it, and make it ... alone. Something I have never done. Its intimidating to say the least. So not only am I dealing with the fact that the one relationship I honestly thought somehow would make it through all of life's ups and downs has crumbled. Trying to remain friends, trying to pick up the pieces and go on with life as if it were all normal. All of this just plain hurts. Hurts like nothing else I have ever felt before. I feel raw, beaten, and just alone. I dont know who to talk to about this. I dont know who will honestly hear everything that I have to say, things I feel that I NEED to get off of my chest to be able to breathe again. To be able to just live..

I don't know what that feels like anymore.. to just live.. to just breathe...

I am scared, scared that I can't make it on my own. Scared I am not strong enough to do this. Scared that I cant hold it together. How do you find the strength to carry on? To take these huge leaps forward.... feeling like there is no one there to honestly catch me if I fail. No one to share this with. I don't know what its like to completely be alone. I don't know how...

Dont know how I am going to survive...


Oct. 27th, 2009 08:06 am
jstmealways: (Blue Moon)
Holy crap the weather here is freaking cold and blah. I love the rain don't get me wrong but I am beginning to feel like a wet dog. Its so dark in the morning ... its amazing how dark it is really.  I still am not used to the drive. Its getting better but its still a very long drive every morning. But I do get to take little country/backwoods highways most of the way which aren't to massively jammed with traffic I actually most mornings have been able to drive the speed limit.

So I was looking at houses/apartments for rent last night. There is a 2 bedroom villa in St. Clair that has a full basement, 2 bathrooms, a 1 car garage, vaulted ceilings and its only about 5 years old that they want $650 a month for. I can't believe how extremely cheap that is compared to $650 a month for a crappy one bedroom apartment in St. Louis. I am so torn on where I should live. If I stay out by my parents cost of living is a whole lot cheaper but I love living in St. Louis. I don't know where I am going to fall. Thank goodness a decision doesn't have to be made right at this moment or else I think I would be screwed.
jstmealways: Rainbow Graphics (Default)

So you think your doing okay. You think that things are slowly falling into some kind of routine. That life is somehow starting to work out and something happens, what I have no idea. Last night I put my iPod in the dock, put it on random and the third song that played made tears just roll down my face. And it hit me all over again - how much I love her, miss her, want to be with her. Not that the thought ever really left my mind but I thought that I was coping with it well and the nights of crying had finally ended. Its so amazing how life changes and throws things back at you. I am very lonely, not used to being by myself and miss them so very much. I want to be a mommy - I those two little angels so very much.


There are times when I see Kelci its almost like she doesn't quiet want to warm up to me right away - like she doesn’t remember who I am right off. This breaks my heart. I used to sit in the recliner and rock her to sleep signing to her and just watching her sleep. When she was sick she would lie on me and sleep. Kailee is excited when I come in which makes me feel SO good.  When she was smaller we would sit together and watch movies or TV. She was such a cuddle bug.  So many memories. So many moments that just touches your heart. Kailees little hand in mine while walking through a store or to the car. The first time she called me mommy. She wanted to call me mommy - it made me feel amazing. I am so scared I will never get to have a child. The kids that have been in my life have all been taken away from me.


Yes I still see the girls and they are still a part of my life but I loved being their mommy, I loved being there to share their joys and fears and tears. To watch them grow everyday and be there when they went to bed each night. To come home to them every night. To know also that there was someone waiting for me when I came home. To share my life with someone. To share my love with someone. Someone I love so very much.


I know that life has a way of doing what is best for you, but this doesn’t feel right to me. Every time I see her I feel how much I love her. It’s not just a thought in my mind but a feeling that runs through my entire body.  It’s so much harder than I ever thought that it would be. I try to put on a happy face but at times it’s really, really hard. I am in love with her and want so badly to be with her, but I know that won't happen.


My heart is broken - honestly broken. Someone, somehow make this pain go away.

The song that made me cry:

Ordinary no, I really don’t think so
Not a love this true
Common destiny
We were meant to be
Me and you

Like a perfect scene from a movie screen
We’re a dream come true
Suited perfectly for eternity
Me and you

Every day, I need you even more
And the night time too
There’s no way
I could ever let you go
Even if I wanted to

Every day I live
I try my best to give
All I have to you
I thank the stars above
That we share this love me and you

Every day, I need you even more
And the night time too
There’s no way
I could ever let you go
Even if I wanted to

Ordinary no, I really don’t think so
Just a precious few
Ever make it last
Get as lucky as
Me and you
Me and you


-Kenny Chesney “Me and You”

jstmealways: (Claire Lost)
So its Wednesday morning, got up this morning after pounding the alarm clock for almost an  hour. I feel like crap was my very first thought this morning as my feet hit the floor. The more I moved the more I really agreed with my first coherent thought of the day. I made it to work. Yet, feeling worse as time passes. I hope I can make it today. I have too much to do to go home. I hate days like this. Well hope everyone has a good day!
jstmealways: (Heart Sun)
A little something that I have written... its what was in my heart and in my head.. so it ended up here...

In a whirlwind I found you. At a time in my life so complex and uprooted, like a gleam of light you stepped in. I saw your face and was able to look deep in your eyes. Knowing deep down this was someone who would be very important to me. I backed away and became very unsure of everything in life. Slowly, we found our way to one another once again. This time emotions ran free. Wrapped around one another we became, “us”. Over the years we changed who we were and what we were to one another. Love was shared with intimate moments and sweet passion. A gentle love whispered into each others ears. A song we sang together unwinding our raveled path. Hand in hand we walked into our future unknowing and full of hope. Looking at one another for hope and security. You can feel the love that has grown between us. Between us walked our two little girls who looked at us for love and security, hoping for us to lead them to their own paths. We saw darkness and light. Seemingly doomed at times and happily in love as well. Together we could take on the world I thought. Nothing to come between us for this awesome love will always bind us together. At my weakest you are my strength and hopefully vise versa. Love is completely different with you. Feels so different, so renewing, with you I see my future. I see us together held together by love and understanding. A bond forever growing and changing not knowing soon this would all change. Our bond now broken – paths split apart. Alone I walk down a cold and fearful path. I see glimpses of you and the girls continuing down your path and I reach out unable to reach you. Every now and then our paths do cross but for moments in time nothing like before. I still feel the same girlish flutter when you touch me. Feeling so secure and safe your arms wrapped around me. I yearn to be in your arms once again. Your wife and the mother of your children, a dream once fulfilled now tumbling down slowly around me fills me with a sense of loneliness and despair. A moment, a breath, and a cry all happen in one quick moment. In that moment life changed for us. That one instant will forever impact my life. Before there was hope this time however, I feel that its more permanent. No more second chances, no more giving it another try. Instead, we tried and this is where we are now. A story unlike I ever imagined. Chapters missing and quick ended. One book closed and another now opened. I place our book on the shelf and realize how small it is. Wishing that I could be hand in hand with you, my love and my future wife, walking down our path with our two little girls right along with us.. this is how I wish this story would have continued…

jstmealways: (Shimmer Sky)
Sara Evans - No Place That Far

Read the Lyrics )

Its a Tuesday - much better than a Monday!! I got a fair amount of sleep last night and was up early enough I was able to treat myself to Starbucks this morning. Gave me a nice little boost this morning. However, I can feel the effects slowly wearing off already - such a downer. Work is a little quiet this morning. Thankfully I have my iPod to keep me company.

Hope everyone has a wonderful day!
I am waiting for the thunderstorms to roll in.....

jstmealways: (Shimmer Sky)
So it's Friday! The weather in St. Louis is awesome today. Cooler, humidity is low, there is a nice breeze. What more could you ask for right? Well I would LOVE to be able to be home with the windows open letting all this wonderfulness into the apartment. Work has been steady today but not quite as busy as it has been. Boss didn't stick around today I guess the weather was too nice for him to be in the office all day. I don't blame him.

Got the car washed on lunch today. I need to run errands tonight after work then going home and mostly going to try and go to bed early. I am tired.

I haven't been sleeping well at all since moving to the apartment. I take good naps on the couch though. Its the overnight sleeping that sucks. Days are getting easier in a way, but still hard. It's a huge change, a huge hole left in my life. In a sense its like I still don't believe that all of this really happened.

I guess in time all will fall into place - its just honestly believe this was all supposed to happen is whats hard for me.
jstmealways: Rainbow Graphics (Default)
Just want to make sure that this works.
jstmealways: Rainbow Graphics (Default)
Well thanks to HillaryGayle I now have a dreamwidth account. I was beginning to feel as if I were the last one out there without one. So thank you Hillary!! Going to spend whatever time I can to figure things out here. Dont really think that I will give up my LJ account but would like to see what this is all about.
jstmealways: Rainbow Graphics (Love)
Random thoughts are constantly going through my mind. They stopped for awhile with medication but are now always there again. They spin like a top in my mind. After awhile this gets very tiring. At times I can ground myself but others my mind really just wonders and runs off on its own little thought... hell I dont even remember where I was going with this... I will try again later...

Day is almost over.
jstmealways: Rainbow Graphics (Talk to Me)
I feel that is has come to a point in time where I need to move my journal to Friends only. If you want to know what is going on with me comment to be added. Thanks!

jstmealways: Rainbow Graphics (Smiley Moon)
With everything else going on in life I can't believe that I feel I have found the person that I could honestly spend the rest of my life with. Every moment we are together is full of happiness and love. We fit together like we were meant for one another. Falling asleep in her arms is everything that I had dreamed it to be. She is such a loving partner. She constantly reminds me how much she loves me, which I dont need to be reminded but I love hearing it. *cheesy grin* These four weeks I am off of work are going to fly by WAY TO FAST! I am getting so attached to her and being with her all day everyday, it is going to suck going back to work and having to be apart from her all day. But gotta make money and haven't figured out how to do that with sitting at home and working so I guess its to an office I go.

Well gotta get going... have a great day everyone!
jstmealways: Rainbow Graphics (Take My Soul)
Thought I would show everyone my wonderful carpal tunnel stitches. I think that they look like train tracks.

Hurts like hell too! Not to mention the damn four times they had to cut my stomach for the other recent surgery!! Surgeons are knife crazy I swear! Haha!

Other than the recent hospital trips life has been amazing. I have found someone to share my life with completely. We have only been together for a short amount of time yet I feel as if we have been together for years. There are so many positive things happening right now in life I dont know what I have done to get so friggin lucky!

Angie is taking very good care of me while I am unable to pretty much do anything with my right side. I didnt really think about all of the things that would be hard to do. However, one thing that really bothers me is that I can't pick our daughter up and we cant horse around like we normally do. Soon I hope to be healed up and life can get back to normal.

I must say... I have got to be one of the happiest people alive right now! Life is gooooood!
jstmealways: Rainbow Graphics (Take My Soul)
So.. I am scheduled for carpal tunnel surgery on Tuesday I cant believe that I am not really scared about the surgery. Just a little nervous about not being able to use my right hand for several days or however long it takes. It has been a long time since I have been "under the knife". I will be off of work for four weeks. I can't believe that it will take that long to recoup from such a "normal" run of the mill surgery these days. I thought maybe a few days.. maybe a week.. but four. I will enjoy having the time off of work to honestly get situated at home. I still have things scattered here and there and will be nice to get them to their proper resting places.
Well I think we need some family time... gotta go...
jstmealways: (Heart)
I have never been so much
In love, in love before
What a difference
How true love made in my life
So nice and so right

Lovers come and then lovers go
That's what the people say
Don't they know
How it feels when you love me
Hold me and say you care
And what we have is much more than they can see
Baby what we have is much more than they see
Oh baby, whoa yeah

I'm in love, I'm in love with you girl

I say love I never knew that a touch
Could mean, could mean so much
What a difference
And when we walk hand in hand
I feel, I feel so real

Lovers come and then lovers go
That's what the people say
Don't they know
How I feel when you love me
Baby, what we have is much more than they can see

Busy times

Sep. 6th, 2006 04:42 pm
jstmealways: Rainbow Graphics (Love)
Everything seems to be happening so quickly. So many different things happening all at once. Not that I am complaining in the least little bit, but never thought things could so drastically change in such a short amount of time. In this process I have learned a little about myself. I am withheld... more so than I thought. I find it a fight to say what I am thinking or feeling. I finally do end up saying or doing whatever it was, just dont understand why I fight with myself before doing so. I guess I am so used to my thoughts and feelings not wanting to be heard I got used to keeping them bottled up. I am sure that I will get much better.. just something to learn that its okay to do.

I must say that life has its ups and downs. I am the happiest I have ever been emotionally, yet I am completely upset about all the medical issues that have come to surface here the past few months. I have to remember to keep strong and remember to live my life the way I would have before. I need to take better care of myself.

Only 30 min left of work... gonna clean up the desk and get ready to get outta here..
jstmealways: Rainbow Graphics (Celestial)
So the move has offically started. I now have my one personal prized possession... my computer. Sounds childish I know but its one of those things I feel lost without. Angie and I have been painting and trying to get the house into shape. We are having a fun time together. I swear here and now.. I WILL NEVER PAINT AGAIN... or put together another computer desk.. especially at the wee hours of the morning.

Well... eyes are heavy... got to get off of the computer.

I have had a wonderful weekend so far and am looking forward to the rest of Sunday and Monday.
jstmealways: Rainbow Graphics (Fade)
Is is amazing how one person can believe something false is a truth. How they can believe the delusions in their mind are what everyone else thinks and or feels. I dont understand how someone can live in such a different world than everyone else involved. My most recent life situation has brought someone from my past back into my life. It has become a somewhat difficult situation because her ex is trying everything I believe to come between the two of us and its getting old hearing the same conversations over and over between the two of them.

I understand hurt and pain I have been there and have lived through it. When my ex moved on very quickly after a SIX year relationship I did none of the things that A's ex is doing. Life happens I dont know how else to explain it. For one reason or another things happen for a reason. Learn to grow and move through it not try to constantly relive the past or now because you lost what you wanted most in life try and be the person that you think that they want you to be. A and I have told her several times that we would like for all of us to be friends and keep things friendly. However A's ex is making this really hard because she won't move on and is making some very bad decisions.

I do believe her intentions are to hurt A and I's relationship, however she will not succeed because I will not let it. I have to remember that I am with who I love and she is with me.. no one else.

I love you hon... and no matter what... we will make it through!
jstmealways: Rainbow Graphics (Hand)
I dream of you nightly now.. constant in my thoughts.. Welcome back into my life its been empty without you here. I have missed talking with you and knowing that someone really understood. You offer something that only few can.. someone who understands and cares.

There has been SOOO much going on these days.. work is a nightmare.. as always. Our Sr. Systems Engineer is leaving and we have hired his replacement but she doesn't start for 16 days after he leaves. I just hope she isn't stuffy... too many geeks are.

I love my work.. just wish that it could be easier to get along with Mr. ****** (to say it nicely). The people I work with are all really nice and I get along with just about everyone.

This weekend on Sunday (the hottest day of the year here) we had a picnic with some of us from work. Took my bud Ron with me and had a decent time. It was hot and just wore yah out. We didn't stay long but it was nice getting all of us together. Just wish we could have had a better day.

I am going to try really hard to start posting more... but we shall see how things go.

Hope everyone is doing good!! Huggsss! :)


jstmealways: Rainbow Graphics (Default)

November 2009

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