Halloween

It is cold, dark and rainy on this Halloween, totally suiting to my mood here recently. So many things that have happened none of them life altering or anything, just lots to think about recently. I wish for one day I could just wake up and not be thinking about work, Reuben, and all of the things that I still want to accomplish in a very short amount of time. I don't understand why I have such a problem with attaching myself to people so quickly, why I allow my emotions to over rule my decision making. I know what I want right now and it is indeed solitude. I want to be left alone to think and complete these goals that I have set for myself. I have very high expectations of myself and I know that in order to do them I need to concentrate on me and my life. I know that having someone else in my life I will then allow them to consume me and their wants and needs will then shortly become mine, loosing sight of what I want and need out of life. I need this time alone. I enjoy time alone. I don't mind being single and I know that in the end I will be much more self confident.

Stay strong.. be true to myself.. everyone that steps in my way can fuck off!!

(no subject)

When you know in your mind EXACTLY what you want to say but when it comes to your moment to speak those few choice words you freeze with nothing to say other than yeah or okay or whatever or alright. I have done this so many times in life I can not wait for the time when it comes to just be opening my mouth and saying what is my honest thought at that moment. Not just avoiding the confrontation but to get what I want said and off of my chest. I have found so many times that I withold what I honestly am thinking or feeling to spare the other person. I act or treat them in a cordial manner hoping that in return they will remember my kind heart and treat me the same. Well that is over with for me now. I am tired of always being the nice guy, tired of always catering to what other peoples wants and needs are.. you know I am a person to and I do have needs and wants and would do anything in this world to find just ONE FREAKING PERSON that understands this and wants to accomodate me for once..

Wow.. I needed to blow that steam... I feel better now.. time to watch TV and smoke.. Life can be good.. must be strong and speak your thoughts.. thick skin and tough heart.. I will survive...