jstmealways: (Wish I could Say)
So okay, we weren't married, we didn't have a wedding... but we shared every aspect of our lives, we vowed our love for one another, we shared raising children, we shared all the big things and all the little things.

I have been down this road before, I have been hurt before, I have thought that I was doing okay before, and then something hits. Something happens and it hits me like a huge slap in the face. Its like I completely go backwards to where I thought that I was. For the first time ever, I am looking to find a place of my own, buy the stuff needed to fill it, and make it ... alone. Something I have never done. Its intimidating to say the least. So not only am I dealing with the fact that the one relationship I honestly thought somehow would make it through all of life's ups and downs has crumbled. Trying to remain friends, trying to pick up the pieces and go on with life as if it were all normal. All of this just plain hurts. Hurts like nothing else I have ever felt before. I feel raw, beaten, and just alone. I dont know who to talk to about this. I dont know who will honestly hear everything that I have to say, things I feel that I NEED to get off of my chest to be able to breathe again. To be able to just live..

I don't know what that feels like anymore.. to just live.. to just breathe...

I am scared, scared that I can't make it on my own. Scared I am not strong enough to do this. Scared that I cant hold it together. How do you find the strength to carry on? To take these huge leaps forward.... feeling like there is no one there to honestly catch me if I fail. No one to share this with. I don't know what its like to completely be alone. I don't know how...

Dont know how I am going to survive...
jstmealways: Rainbow Graphics (Love)
Random thoughts are constantly going through my mind. They stopped for awhile with medication but are now always there again. They spin like a top in my mind. After awhile this gets very tiring. At times I can ground myself but others my mind really just wonders and runs off on its own little thought... hell I dont even remember where I was going with this... I will try again later...

Day is almost over.

As I awake

Nov. 2nd, 2005 10:21 am
jstmealways: Rainbow Graphics (Default)
I lay in bed wondering if this day is going to be any different than yesterday. Is there a hope that things will become more clear in my head. I look around me and see chaos. Self-destruction. I need to find my path again a path that at one time was so clear to me. I know now how much I want to get done and all of the goals that I have set for myself and I am wondering when I will be able to accomplish them all. I have completely allowed myself to get off of my path and to have been mislead. I need to focus on work and school and make my goals reality. My dreams at night are full of wonder and awe. I wish my everyday life could be anything like the dreams that I am having. I awaken in the morning feeling refreshed and relaxed a feeling that is so new to me. I stand in the shower allowing the water to wash off of me all of the bad in my life allowing me to start each day anew. Everyday is another new beginning. Another day to have a chance to leave your footprint. I am happy, honestly happy and alone. I can see this now. I like it this way. I like knowing that I can succeed in life with no one else by my side. I have a few wonderful friends and those that I can confide in which is all I need at this point. Everything else is just a distraction. These glorious thoughts always come a few days to late.. but better late than never..

I feel alive again.. so those of you who try and bring me down and like to pry into a persons personal life and talk about it behind my back FUCK OFF!!! You are no friend to me.. you are not needed in my life.. go away!! Please!! I beg you to just leave my life alone.. I am allowed to make whatever decisions I want in life and you are no one to be talking about my life to anyone else... live your own life.. leave mine alone.
jstmealways: Rainbow Graphics (Default)
And yet another short weekend aludes me. It honestly seems as if I do not have enough time to just relax anymore. There are so many things that I want to get done that I just dont take the time to relax. I wish there was one weekend that I could do nothing but stay at home and do nothing but play around with my computer, spend time with my puppy dog and just be alone.

I am still amazed how happy things are right now, how happy I am. This feeling is unreal, so surreal really. I know that I am getting in over my head though. I am starting to get that he is much to good for me. He is such a great person, I really like him and it honestly scares me.

Well I better get going.. so much to do..

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jstmealways: Rainbow Graphics (Default)
jstmealways

November 2009

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