Random...

Nov. 15th, 2009 12:26 am
jstmealways: (Blue Moon)
I heard on a TV show that music becomes a soundtrack for your life. Music can define where you have been, where you are going, who you have been and who you will become. That music can define situations and hold onto memories allowing you to relive these moments with a clarity that is unbelievable. I never gave this concept much thought but its the truth. A song comes on the radio or you hear it while sitting in the car, a waiting room, a store, someone else humming its tune and visions and thoughts bounce back to you. It's amazing how one song can trigger tears instantly or anger. To completely transform your state of thought instantly. Defining that moment in time for you. Bringing back everything you felt at that moment. I have had a lot of these "moments' happen recently and have made me really dig down and listen to the lyrics, read the lyrics, listen to the beat and tempo of the song and wonder how this happens. How can someone else's random words become etched into our memories and capture moments, hours, days, weeks or even years. How can this define who we where then? 

A lot has changed for me recently. I feel a constant sense of nervousness in me. Instability. I want to be settled. I want to be comfortable again. Transition is always very hard on me. Not knowing where things are, not knowing where your going or when. Or even how. 

I used to say that I was an overall happy person. I don't know if that is how I could define myself now. I feel much more dark than I ever was. I feel that happiness isn't something that is meant for me. Maybe I don't allow happiness. Maybe I am the reason. I don't really know. I know that I have gone through life and have all these people that love me but no one wants to stay with me. Since the past has repeated itself I am sure now that the issue is me. There is something wrong with me. And its hard because of course those will tell you, "Oh no its not you" but no matter how many times it is said thats how it feels on the inside. Yes, sometimes people just don't work. Sometimes people drift apart. And sometimes this happens for one person in a relationship but not the other. Right now I am dealing with a lot of thoughts. A lot of confusion. I am sure I am the reason for most of this. I am sure that I am making things harder than they need to be right now. But I cant stop the thinking. I can't stop the wondering. I can't stop the pain. I thought by now I would be able to handle things a little easier. I thought that I would have a better grip on life and what it had in store for me. To have it in my mind that this is what is best. That this is what was needed and that I need to be supportive and loving and caring and I need to put other feelings aside. But really inside I feel as if I am drowning. I am hurt. I am upset. I am scared. I am worried. I am a little mad. I feel that decisions are made for me sometimes. Because I can't find my own voice. That I can't but those thoughts into the right words. That I can't express myself correctly. That I stumble constantly on how to communicate. My words get jumbled, thoughts scrambled. 

I want to be in their lives. I truly do. Its something that I have never doubted. But will it get easier? The pain when I am there will it go away? To see the three people that were my life, my everything. The three people that helped define who I was. Yes, I can be there whenever I want I have not been denied anything. I could come and go as I please. But at night when I want to be able to hear the girls or look over and know she is there for me.  To know that if I go to hug her I wont feel guilty or wonder if I shouldn't That when I just need someone to be there to know what I am feeling without speaking a word I can look at her and know she know's what I am feeling and will know exactly what to said or do to make me feel better. I am afraid that the pain that I am feeling right now if I spend too much time there then I will end up saying or doing something that I shouldnt and then putting a wedge in between us. Or damage our friendship. I am scared that I will get hurt again even more. I don't know how I am supposed to feel. I know when I am there I am happy to be around all of them I am happy that when I am there they show that they missed me and are happy I am there. Which makes it worse for me because I miss them SO much. I miss them, everything about them. I feel so empty.. so alone. So scared. I just wish I had answers... 

And for this.. I plug in my earbuds.. click to some of my favorite music and hope to drown my sorrows in music. 
jstmealways: Rainbow Graphics (Default)

So you think your doing okay. You think that things are slowly falling into some kind of routine. That life is somehow starting to work out and something happens, what I have no idea. Last night I put my iPod in the dock, put it on random and the third song that played made tears just roll down my face. And it hit me all over again - how much I love her, miss her, want to be with her. Not that the thought ever really left my mind but I thought that I was coping with it well and the nights of crying had finally ended. Its so amazing how life changes and throws things back at you. I am very lonely, not used to being by myself and miss them so very much. I want to be a mommy - I those two little angels so very much.

 

There are times when I see Kelci its almost like she doesn't quiet want to warm up to me right away - like she doesn’t remember who I am right off. This breaks my heart. I used to sit in the recliner and rock her to sleep signing to her and just watching her sleep. When she was sick she would lie on me and sleep. Kailee is excited when I come in which makes me feel SO good.  When she was smaller we would sit together and watch movies or TV. She was such a cuddle bug.  So many memories. So many moments that just touches your heart. Kailees little hand in mine while walking through a store or to the car. The first time she called me mommy. She wanted to call me mommy - it made me feel amazing. I am so scared I will never get to have a child. The kids that have been in my life have all been taken away from me.

 

Yes I still see the girls and they are still a part of my life but I loved being their mommy, I loved being there to share their joys and fears and tears. To watch them grow everyday and be there when they went to bed each night. To come home to them every night. To know also that there was someone waiting for me when I came home. To share my life with someone. To share my love with someone. Someone I love so very much.

 

I know that life has a way of doing what is best for you, but this doesn’t feel right to me. Every time I see her I feel how much I love her. It’s not just a thought in my mind but a feeling that runs through my entire body.  It’s so much harder than I ever thought that it would be. I try to put on a happy face but at times it’s really, really hard. I am in love with her and want so badly to be with her, but I know that won't happen.

 

My heart is broken - honestly broken. Someone, somehow make this pain go away.

The song that made me cry:



Ordinary no, I really don’t think so
Not a love this true
Common destiny
We were meant to be
Me and you

Like a perfect scene from a movie screen
We’re a dream come true
Suited perfectly for eternity
Me and you

Every day, I need you even more
And the night time too
There’s no way
I could ever let you go
Even if I wanted to

Every day I live
I try my best to give
All I have to you
I thank the stars above
That we share this love me and you

Every day, I need you even more
And the night time too
There’s no way
I could ever let you go
Even if I wanted to

Ordinary no, I really don’t think so
Just a precious few
Ever make it last
Get as lucky as
Me and you
Me and you

 

-Kenny Chesney “Me and You”


jstmealways: (Heart Sun)
A little something that I have written... its what was in my heart and in my head.. so it ended up here...

In a whirlwind I found you. At a time in my life so complex and uprooted, like a gleam of light you stepped in. I saw your face and was able to look deep in your eyes. Knowing deep down this was someone who would be very important to me. I backed away and became very unsure of everything in life. Slowly, we found our way to one another once again. This time emotions ran free. Wrapped around one another we became, “us”. Over the years we changed who we were and what we were to one another. Love was shared with intimate moments and sweet passion. A gentle love whispered into each others ears. A song we sang together unwinding our raveled path. Hand in hand we walked into our future unknowing and full of hope. Looking at one another for hope and security. You can feel the love that has grown between us. Between us walked our two little girls who looked at us for love and security, hoping for us to lead them to their own paths. We saw darkness and light. Seemingly doomed at times and happily in love as well. Together we could take on the world I thought. Nothing to come between us for this awesome love will always bind us together. At my weakest you are my strength and hopefully vise versa. Love is completely different with you. Feels so different, so renewing, with you I see my future. I see us together held together by love and understanding. A bond forever growing and changing not knowing soon this would all change. Our bond now broken – paths split apart. Alone I walk down a cold and fearful path. I see glimpses of you and the girls continuing down your path and I reach out unable to reach you. Every now and then our paths do cross but for moments in time nothing like before. I still feel the same girlish flutter when you touch me. Feeling so secure and safe your arms wrapped around me. I yearn to be in your arms once again. Your wife and the mother of your children, a dream once fulfilled now tumbling down slowly around me fills me with a sense of loneliness and despair. A moment, a breath, and a cry all happen in one quick moment. In that moment life changed for us. That one instant will forever impact my life. Before there was hope this time however, I feel that its more permanent. No more second chances, no more giving it another try. Instead, we tried and this is where we are now. A story unlike I ever imagined. Chapters missing and quick ended. One book closed and another now opened. I place our book on the shelf and realize how small it is. Wishing that I could be hand in hand with you, my love and my future wife, walking down our path with our two little girls right along with us.. this is how I wish this story would have continued…

jstmealways: Rainbow Graphics (Love)
Random thoughts are constantly going through my mind. They stopped for awhile with medication but are now always there again. They spin like a top in my mind. After awhile this gets very tiring. At times I can ground myself but others my mind really just wonders and runs off on its own little thought... hell I dont even remember where I was going with this... I will try again later...

Day is almost over.

Busy times

Sep. 6th, 2006 04:42 pm
jstmealways: Rainbow Graphics (Love)
Everything seems to be happening so quickly. So many different things happening all at once. Not that I am complaining in the least little bit, but never thought things could so drastically change in such a short amount of time. In this process I have learned a little about myself. I am withheld... more so than I thought. I find it a fight to say what I am thinking or feeling. I finally do end up saying or doing whatever it was, just dont understand why I fight with myself before doing so. I guess I am so used to my thoughts and feelings not wanting to be heard I got used to keeping them bottled up. I am sure that I will get much better.. just something to learn that its okay to do.

I must say that life has its ups and downs. I am the happiest I have ever been emotionally, yet I am completely upset about all the medical issues that have come to surface here the past few months. I have to remember to keep strong and remember to live my life the way I would have before. I need to take better care of myself.

Only 30 min left of work... gonna clean up the desk and get ready to get outta here..
jstmealways: Rainbow Graphics (Celestial)
So the move has offically started. I now have my one personal prized possession... my computer. Sounds childish I know but its one of those things I feel lost without. Angie and I have been painting and trying to get the house into shape. We are having a fun time together. I swear here and now.. I WILL NEVER PAINT AGAIN... or put together another computer desk.. especially at the wee hours of the morning.

Well... eyes are heavy... got to get off of the computer.

I have had a wonderful weekend so far and am looking forward to the rest of Sunday and Monday.
jstmealways: Rainbow Graphics (Fade)
Is is amazing how one person can believe something false is a truth. How they can believe the delusions in their mind are what everyone else thinks and or feels. I dont understand how someone can live in such a different world than everyone else involved. My most recent life situation has brought someone from my past back into my life. It has become a somewhat difficult situation because her ex is trying everything I believe to come between the two of us and its getting old hearing the same conversations over and over between the two of them.

I understand hurt and pain I have been there and have lived through it. When my ex moved on very quickly after a SIX year relationship I did none of the things that A's ex is doing. Life happens I dont know how else to explain it. For one reason or another things happen for a reason. Learn to grow and move through it not try to constantly relive the past or now because you lost what you wanted most in life try and be the person that you think that they want you to be. A and I have told her several times that we would like for all of us to be friends and keep things friendly. However A's ex is making this really hard because she won't move on and is making some very bad decisions.

I do believe her intentions are to hurt A and I's relationship, however she will not succeed because I will not let it. I have to remember that I am with who I love and she is with me.. no one else.

I love you hon... and no matter what... we will make it through!
jstmealways: Rainbow Graphics (Lost)
Loosing my job, catching up with old friends, letting go of people... all of these happen for a reason. I know now that these things needed to happen. As a little push or shove to lead me into the right direction. I feel content about where my life may be heading. In some ways I may also say that I am excited a little bit about what may be to come.

There are so many things have happened last year that I thought happened for one reason or another, and now I realize that all actions are just that actions, they are not tied to any one thing or one person. These events do not take place just to fill a void of time in your life. Everything happens for a specific reason. Reasons that we may not be aware of at the time. If we allow our lives to unfold as they are meant to then all will make sense in the end. Allow things to happen, not trying to change your own fate. I have messed with fate enough... I am done. I am allowing my life to be just that.. my life I will walk through and just allow things to happen. I dunna I may just be tired of fighting trying to figure out what is right in life. I think that too many of us try to push our lives into one direction or another and we most of the time fail miserably at this. Yet if we allow our lives to be lead in the manner that they were meant we may be more successful in life?

I am rambling... I know this.. sleep schedule is all messed up.. I am back to an overnight shift.. why I dunna.. just really sucks.
jstmealways: Rainbow Graphics (Default)
It always seems that when you think life is all messed up things go back to a "normal". You have to handle all of the ups and downs to have a decent life. I have noticed that if you chose to just put things aside or in the back of your mind they make life worse. You would think that after I constantly say that to people I would have gotten it through my head.

I talked to someone tonight about everything going on and I feel as if I can think somewhat clearly again. That maybe my mind is free of all of the negative thoughts that I was having. Just with losing my job after all that I was told really affected me. I felt like I was worthless. I felt like I had lost all of my game.. I dunna. Went from such a high to such a low.

Ahh... pilates is killing me... I need to shower...
jstmealways: Rainbow Graphics (Fade)
There are times when I find it very hard to allow those thoughts and feelings that are deep within me to be seen by anyone on the outside. I hide those true feelings with flirtations and sexual induentos. Very few people know what it is that I honestly want deep down and those people took what I wanted and crushed me with them. In my past I have struggled with sexuality and what I honestly want in life. When it all boils down to it I want it all happiness, love, contentment, friendship, companionship and so much more. I want to find that one person that I feel I honestly connect with on all levels. Someone that I can be honest with them about my past and they accept it as that my past and get to know me for the person that I have become today. A person that I am proud to be. A person that is constantly growing and changing and sets goals high and loves the challange of achieving them. To find someone to have stimulating conversation with yet be comfortable in complete silence. To not feel as if I am being judged with each question. I want someone to will take the time to get to know me, the real me. Someone who is not afraid to open up and be themselves in return. Who will be willing to allow someone into their life.

I guess when it all boils down, I want someone who understands me, someone who likes the same things I do, and I can carry on a conversation.

Enough for the moment... My thoughts are imcomplete...
jstmealways: Rainbow Graphics (Default)
Honestly amazing how much changes in such short periods of time. How many things can cross your plate! Whirlwind of emotions and trying to make heads and tails of all of the thoughts going through my mind. In several ways I feel connected to a couple of people but not sure where to take these thoughts/feelings. I have had my fair share of people comming in and gracing my life and moving on just as quickly as they have come into it. There are a few people that have come into my life recently that I really can see myself caring for. Trying to decide what is the best path for me to follow. I never thought that it would be this hard to make a move in my life. I want so badly to make the right decision, to move on forward with my life.

My heart has mended from the past I have been able to move past those things that have been haunting me for so long making me be someone that I am not. I finally feel free from all of my problems and all of the things that I have gone through. I have done a lot of damage to lots of people in the past. I have been trying to make things right with people. I have come to find out that it is much harder than I thought that it would be, however this is something that I need to do for myself. Something that I need to do to complete the cycle of walking through my past and moving onto the future.


Maybe I am just at the point where I am to try new things, really get to know someone before I take that next step. To move slow. I always seem to jump head first into everything. Hell, I am rambling.. and really tired for once..
jstmealways: Rainbow Graphics (Default)
Constant thoughts running through my mind, some that make no sense at all others making perfect sense. I wish I could make something of these thoughts. I spend my time trying to outrun the thoughts in my head. Making sure that I leave no trail of these thoughts. I try to live without them, yet they always return to me. Just as my nightmare has worked its way back into my dreams at night. I thought I finally shed that part of my thoughts. I wish I could explain all of this to someone and know that they will honestly understand. Yet, I have tried to do this before and they just look at me like "Oh My God". So I give, I keep them to myself. I wish I could be one of those people that have no stress and anxiety. That the biggest thing you have to worry about in your day is everyone else's business. That you have nothing in your life that you are stressed about or that fills your mind with thoughts constantly and no matter what you do you cant get rid of them. To live everyday afraid that the next attack is soon comming. When you tell these people about your "medical" problem they say its all in your head. I don't get that. I don't understand how people can be so blind. I know that I act different when I am having these moments, hours, days, weeks.. my chest felt as if it were caving in on me last night, breathing became a chore, painful each breath did indeed come to me.. I just want it all to stop.. I want to run and hide from everything but I know that solves nothing...

My dear, you know who you are.. thank you for helping me through this. Friendships like this come once in a lifetime, and I cherish yours dearly. I hope we never drift apart again. Thanks for being such a good friend, thanks for being the one that understands me, thanks for never expecting anything in return too.. *hah* I love yah!
jstmealways: Rainbow Graphics (Default)
So had quite a busy day today, actually a busy weekend. Lots of things going on in preperation to this comming weekend. Funny, most of the time on Sundays I am no where close to planning the next weekend but now it is mandatory. I still have a lot to accomplish. I thought I was done with Christmas shopping but it seems I have left a few folks out. Paycheck comes tomorrow, although most of it is dedicated to bills I will have to squeeze a few gifts out of it as well.

My day started with snow gently drifting from the sky above (thankfully not a bit of it stuck), then the 1hr 20min drive to IL to meet up with Cindy and Zach to turn around and head back into St. Louis to go to the Rams game.. noon kickoff.. Sarah was up early, but running late as usual. It was a good game to watch, quite a bit of good ol' football action, plus I love watching all of the people in the stands. (That is what us people watchers do) I love to watch how people interact with one another, how they show excitement and their disappointment. Both of these things you see a lot of at sports functions. I was even raised out of my seat a time or two both for good and bad reasons.

After the game was done we took off to the St. Louis Galleria (a mall for those of you who dont know) and Cindy and Zach finished their christmas shopping. It was kind of amazing that the mall was not as packed as I would have thought. Oh well, good news for us. heh

Then we went to meet up with Cindys mom and dad at church to watch the Lighting of the Christmas tree. Made me feel better about missing church for the past three weeks. It was kind of nice I suppose in that churchy get in the spirit of christmas sort of way. I love listening to choirs especially good ones, and this one was pretty good. They had a bunch of the girls dressed as angels that danced to most of the songs, very well put together I must say.

By this time we were all starving so we headed to Applebees, the home of Sarahs favorite drink where I had a little to much to drink and am feeling a tad bit lightheaded.

I found myself today having obscure thoughts in my mind, random thoughts, ones that didnt belong together. I dunna, am going to have to try and figure out what they meant. I am tired.. and really need to get to sleep. I was going to play hooky from work tomorrow but forgot that we are having the departments Christmas lunch.. so I at least have to go long enough to be there for that.. I may go just for that.. I have a lot of shit to get done this week.. and so little time to get it done in... plus try to keep up with my social life...

I am thinking of you tonight, you know who you are, you are in my thoughts as I know I am in yours I can't wait for the time that we can spend together holding one another. These thoughts are what keep me warm at night.. thank you babe!!
jstmealways: Rainbow Graphics (Default)
So.. since August work has been promising me this position.. well.. come to find out I will not be getting the position afterall (unless I get really lucky before Wed). Its really okay with me. I think this is kinda what I needed to get my butt in gear and move on to something else. So I have been spending a lot of time with resumes and so forth trying to network as much as possible. Using everything I have to find me something, anything computer/office related I will take at this point I just want to move on. I dunna.. I will see what happens this week.

So, now for my little rant.. besides everything that is happening with me at work I am watching them as they screw over a really good friend of mine at work. She is so dedicated and hardworking, she is always there and is dependable.. it makes me so mad. She is just like I am now so mad at them and want to screw them over. Yet there are people that we work with that do nothing and are never there and they get everything handed to them on a plate. It makes no sense to me but I am not management so what can I say really.

Aww crap, I gotta get to sleep.. I really wanna go and see Cindy tomorrow morning!!
jstmealways: Rainbow Graphics (Default)
Things have been moving along somewhat normally and I have been keeping myself busy. There are so many things that I hope to accomplish by the end of the year I can hardly believe it is less than a month away. So much has changed this year it is kinda unbelieveable. I have changed. I am a completely different person than I was a year ago. For that I am extremely thankful.

I hope everyone is doing well, I have been doing a horrible job of keeping in touch with people. I will post more this weekend. I have a lot on my mind, just no time to write.
jstmealways: Rainbow Graphics (Default)
As a child you think that the more friends you have the better right? Growing up and becoming an adult has proved that wrong to me. I feel that the fewer friends you have the closer that they are and the more that you can trust them. I have been stabbed in the back by more friends than I can honestly remember. What I do remember is how it felt and that I promised myself that I would never treat anyone in that manner. I feel that friends are an extension of family, these are people that know the most about you and those that you trust with your problems, your fears, your joys, and most commonly your secerts. Sometimes its hard to tell who is honestly friend and who is foe. Usually this takes time to find out and once you do discover someone you thought was a friend is honestly a foe. I have found that about several people in my life, people that I thought that I could trust and be honest with. Yet, in the end they enjoy talking about you behind your back and making your life their amusement because they have nothing better to do than to pry into your personal affairs and make those affairs known to all those around you. I don't understand why people must be like this. How sad their lives must be if they have nothing better to do than to sift through someone else's life. I have thought about not journaling anymore because I am sure my journal is a source of information for them seeming as I no longer talk to these people. Yet, this is one of my outs.. a vent. This is my soapbox.

Believe it or not folks, I am happy, I am enjoying my life and living it to my specifications and no one else's. I like where I am at in life, I like the person that I am. I am HAPPY and don't rely on anyone else for this happiness. I don't have to know everyone's business around me.. nor do I find it necessary to spread things around about other people.

I would like to think that to those of you who consider me a friend.. I am a true friend.. nothing more.. or less...

Halloween

Oct. 31st, 2005 04:46 pm
jstmealways: Rainbow Graphics (Default)
It is cold, dark and rainy on this Halloween, totally suiting to my mood here recently. So many things that have happened none of them life altering or anything, just lots to think about recently. I wish for one day I could just wake up and not be thinking about work, Reuben, and all of the things that I still want to accomplish in a very short amount of time. I don't understand why I have such a problem with attaching myself to people so quickly, why I allow my emotions to over rule my decision making. I know what I want right now and it is indeed solitude. I want to be left alone to think and complete these goals that I have set for myself. I have very high expectations of myself and I know that in order to do them I need to concentrate on me and my life. I know that having someone else in my life I will then allow them to consume me and their wants and needs will then shortly become mine, loosing sight of what I want and need out of life. I need this time alone. I enjoy time alone. I don't mind being single and I know that in the end I will be much more self confident.

Stay strong.. be true to myself.. everyone that steps in my way can fuck off!!
jstmealways: Rainbow Graphics (Default)
So many things in life happen without a known cause, unknowing what will come of it, what will happen, how it will happen, how you will react to it. So few things are done with full intentions. I have been trying to be very aware of what is going on in my life and trying to act on it as clear headed as I could. I know that I allow things to get out of hand and it is one of my major faults. Patience would help this. Considering that I have no patience at all things tend to get blown out of proportion. I know this, yet I never change it. A personality flaw I suppose. There are things about me that I like, and things that I just wish I could change. I know that there are so many things in life that we cant change but I would think that perseverance would allow you to change. I want to have constant control over my life and what is going on. I have to learn to accept that I cannot always have that control when other people are involved in life. I need to allow myself to kinda roll with the punches. I find myself constantly hiding behind my emotions and not allowing people to honestly see the true me. If they get to close then I pull myself away by creating a situation that almost seems there to be no resolve.

Ohh.. I am just blabbing.. need to do homework…
jstmealways: Rainbow Graphics (Default)
Okay... so here I am in the middle of Missouri and I have had no effect of the hurricanes... however it has come really close to hurting some people that are close to me. The amount of lives that have been lost are unreal and sometimes makes you wonder what is God thinking up there. Is this part of his plan... well of course it is.. but why do so many people have to suffer?? We have had flooding here in Missouri once about every three years.. but to have such a major loss of life and property.. it is just.. well... heart wrenching.

Tonight I experienced my first livestock auction. We bought four hens and 30 bales of hay. I know.. sounds so exciting.

This morning I had to go to the airport to pick up a friend of mine Holly who came in from Michigan to see me. We havent seen one another for 5 years. Seems almost uncanny that you can have friends out there so far away. I fear that I am boring her with my country living atmosphere. I think she was a little shocked when we put two of our goats into Donnas van to take them to the auction to sell tonight. I think she has everyone back home convienced that we are on some crazy drugs or something.. or maybe she is..??? heh

Ahh.. so I had big plans to take her to one of our state parks this weekend not realizing that it was a holiday weekend and that it would be completely packed and totally unenjoyable. So instead.. I take her to see heads of cattle tonight... lol.. okay.. I must get my beauty rest..
jstmealways: Rainbow Graphics (Default)
So life honestly is pretty great right now. Things are moving along at a steady pace and I seem to have found my groove in life. I awaken every morning ready to move through the day with no regret and no remorse. I really like the environment that I work in, I like pretty much everyone I work with and school seems to be a little to easy so far this semester.. couldnt be because I dropped from 18 credit hours to 12 would it? lol Yes, I think that has a huge part in me being relaxed and able to keep my head above water. I am learning so much everyday at work and just love the experience that I am getting being there. I love the fact that I have access to all sorts of educational material and software so that I can try things out for myself. I can honestly play and learn all at the same time. *total geekness* w00t!! heh!

Matters of the heart.. well.. not so much. I mean.. well. I dunna how to explain it. I am not in love, or crazy about anyone at this point, a very cleansing feeling really to know that this happiness is ALL MINE! :) I have been in such a goofy mood lately and am back to making people laugh all of the time. Its great to honestly see me comming back.

I have discovered that I am a very emotional person, I get tied up in my emotions quite often.. altho its been better since the meds have gotten leveled out and I remember to take them everyday. All in all things are happy for me.. such a change of life.. *see I am smiling*

Drake pulled through his surgery and recovery just fine (even though I think I made a bigger deal out of it than he did) but he is all healed and no more Mr. Humpy Doggie. Hehe!!

Well, I was able to piece a newer computer together for my mom and dad today so I am working on getting windows xp (BLAH) installed and some other software installed for them.


OOOhhhh and I got Adobe Creative Suite 2 today!!! YEAH!! I have sumthin to play with now!!

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jstmealways: Rainbow Graphics (Default)
jstmealways

November 2009

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