jstmealways: Rainbow Graphics (Default)

So you think your doing okay. You think that things are slowly falling into some kind of routine. That life is somehow starting to work out and something happens, what I have no idea. Last night I put my iPod in the dock, put it on random and the third song that played made tears just roll down my face. And it hit me all over again - how much I love her, miss her, want to be with her. Not that the thought ever really left my mind but I thought that I was coping with it well and the nights of crying had finally ended. Its so amazing how life changes and throws things back at you. I am very lonely, not used to being by myself and miss them so very much. I want to be a mommy - I those two little angels so very much.

 

There are times when I see Kelci its almost like she doesn't quiet want to warm up to me right away - like she doesn’t remember who I am right off. This breaks my heart. I used to sit in the recliner and rock her to sleep signing to her and just watching her sleep. When she was sick she would lie on me and sleep. Kailee is excited when I come in which makes me feel SO good.  When she was smaller we would sit together and watch movies or TV. She was such a cuddle bug.  So many memories. So many moments that just touches your heart. Kailees little hand in mine while walking through a store or to the car. The first time she called me mommy. She wanted to call me mommy - it made me feel amazing. I am so scared I will never get to have a child. The kids that have been in my life have all been taken away from me.

 

Yes I still see the girls and they are still a part of my life but I loved being their mommy, I loved being there to share their joys and fears and tears. To watch them grow everyday and be there when they went to bed each night. To come home to them every night. To know also that there was someone waiting for me when I came home. To share my life with someone. To share my love with someone. Someone I love so very much.

 

I know that life has a way of doing what is best for you, but this doesn’t feel right to me. Every time I see her I feel how much I love her. It’s not just a thought in my mind but a feeling that runs through my entire body.  It’s so much harder than I ever thought that it would be. I try to put on a happy face but at times it’s really, really hard. I am in love with her and want so badly to be with her, but I know that won't happen.

 

My heart is broken - honestly broken. Someone, somehow make this pain go away.

The song that made me cry:



Ordinary no, I really don’t think so
Not a love this true
Common destiny
We were meant to be
Me and you

Like a perfect scene from a movie screen
We’re a dream come true
Suited perfectly for eternity
Me and you

Every day, I need you even more
And the night time too
There’s no way
I could ever let you go
Even if I wanted to

Every day I live
I try my best to give
All I have to you
I thank the stars above
That we share this love me and you

Every day, I need you even more
And the night time too
There’s no way
I could ever let you go
Even if I wanted to

Ordinary no, I really don’t think so
Just a precious few
Ever make it last
Get as lucky as
Me and you
Me and you

 

-Kenny Chesney “Me and You”


jstmealways: (Heart Sun)
A little something that I have written... its what was in my heart and in my head.. so it ended up here...

In a whirlwind I found you. At a time in my life so complex and uprooted, like a gleam of light you stepped in. I saw your face and was able to look deep in your eyes. Knowing deep down this was someone who would be very important to me. I backed away and became very unsure of everything in life. Slowly, we found our way to one another once again. This time emotions ran free. Wrapped around one another we became, “us”. Over the years we changed who we were and what we were to one another. Love was shared with intimate moments and sweet passion. A gentle love whispered into each others ears. A song we sang together unwinding our raveled path. Hand in hand we walked into our future unknowing and full of hope. Looking at one another for hope and security. You can feel the love that has grown between us. Between us walked our two little girls who looked at us for love and security, hoping for us to lead them to their own paths. We saw darkness and light. Seemingly doomed at times and happily in love as well. Together we could take on the world I thought. Nothing to come between us for this awesome love will always bind us together. At my weakest you are my strength and hopefully vise versa. Love is completely different with you. Feels so different, so renewing, with you I see my future. I see us together held together by love and understanding. A bond forever growing and changing not knowing soon this would all change. Our bond now broken – paths split apart. Alone I walk down a cold and fearful path. I see glimpses of you and the girls continuing down your path and I reach out unable to reach you. Every now and then our paths do cross but for moments in time nothing like before. I still feel the same girlish flutter when you touch me. Feeling so secure and safe your arms wrapped around me. I yearn to be in your arms once again. Your wife and the mother of your children, a dream once fulfilled now tumbling down slowly around me fills me with a sense of loneliness and despair. A moment, a breath, and a cry all happen in one quick moment. In that moment life changed for us. That one instant will forever impact my life. Before there was hope this time however, I feel that its more permanent. No more second chances, no more giving it another try. Instead, we tried and this is where we are now. A story unlike I ever imagined. Chapters missing and quick ended. One book closed and another now opened. I place our book on the shelf and realize how small it is. Wishing that I could be hand in hand with you, my love and my future wife, walking down our path with our two little girls right along with us.. this is how I wish this story would have continued…

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jstmealways: Rainbow Graphics (Default)
jstmealways

November 2009

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