jstmealways: Rainbow Graphics (Celestial)
GOt off friday... late as normal. Drive home sucked big time. Getting used to that as well. All is good though. Payday is tomorrow ... *big grin*

Nathan and Chris are getting married Friday afternoon, something to look forward to this week. Gotta get out and buy them something... what I have no idea. Then Chris' birthday is on the 8th. Hmmm soo much to take care of this week.

Mardi Gras weekend in St. Louis of course fun as hell like always. Had a blast and still kinda recouping from the weekend. Have a Fat Tuesday Party to go to this week.... lots of fun.

Cant believe its monday already and I am already at work... hahah
jstmealways: Rainbow Graphics (Hand)
Things have been so freakin crazy its unreal how the days just seem to all fade together.

Started my new job the beginning of this month and I love it. I am working for a law firm, with a ton of employees and only 4 IS folks. So we are crazy busy as well. We are trying to get everything updated because those that worked here before us didnt believe in updating apparently. Things are outdated beyond belief.

I am in my own geeky heaven playing with everything and sinking my teeth into their systems and servers and just having a ball learning everything that I can about the company and its computer backbone.

FUCKING GREAT!!! I love live.. everything happens for a reason.
jstmealways: Rainbow Graphics (Lost)
Loosing my job, catching up with old friends, letting go of people... all of these happen for a reason. I know now that these things needed to happen. As a little push or shove to lead me into the right direction. I feel content about where my life may be heading. In some ways I may also say that I am excited a little bit about what may be to come.

There are so many things have happened last year that I thought happened for one reason or another, and now I realize that all actions are just that actions, they are not tied to any one thing or one person. These events do not take place just to fill a void of time in your life. Everything happens for a specific reason. Reasons that we may not be aware of at the time. If we allow our lives to unfold as they are meant to then all will make sense in the end. Allow things to happen, not trying to change your own fate. I have messed with fate enough... I am done. I am allowing my life to be just that.. my life I will walk through and just allow things to happen. I dunna I may just be tired of fighting trying to figure out what is right in life. I think that too many of us try to push our lives into one direction or another and we most of the time fail miserably at this. Yet if we allow our lives to be lead in the manner that they were meant we may be more successful in life?

I am rambling... I know this.. sleep schedule is all messed up.. I am back to an overnight shift.. why I dunna.. just really sucks.
jstmealways: Rainbow Graphics (Default)
It always seems that when you think life is all messed up things go back to a "normal". You have to handle all of the ups and downs to have a decent life. I have noticed that if you chose to just put things aside or in the back of your mind they make life worse. You would think that after I constantly say that to people I would have gotten it through my head.

I talked to someone tonight about everything going on and I feel as if I can think somewhat clearly again. That maybe my mind is free of all of the negative thoughts that I was having. Just with losing my job after all that I was told really affected me. I felt like I was worthless. I felt like I had lost all of my game.. I dunna. Went from such a high to such a low.

Ahh... pilates is killing me... I need to shower...
jstmealways: Rainbow Graphics (Default)
What a crock of shit! I thought finally that things were falling into place, but once again I get comfortable in my life and find my little groove in life things get all torn to hell.

I am so mad that I allowed myself to get screwed over once again. I can be so DUMB at times, it makes me so mad at myself. I am going to start the job search and take it a little more seriously than I would if I was still freakin employed.

On a more positive note, I have found the teenager in me again. I twice now have stayed up all night long talking to someone, someone who makes me laugh and well.. makes me forget about everything that is going on around me. I wish that I had some hope that this person would be a permanent fixture in my life. It would be nice, but I doubt it. Especially since I really enjoy the conversation and company in a way.

Ahh.. rambling..
jstmealways: Rainbow Graphics (Fade)
There are times when I find it very hard to allow those thoughts and feelings that are deep within me to be seen by anyone on the outside. I hide those true feelings with flirtations and sexual induentos. Very few people know what it is that I honestly want deep down and those people took what I wanted and crushed me with them. In my past I have struggled with sexuality and what I honestly want in life. When it all boils down to it I want it all happiness, love, contentment, friendship, companionship and so much more. I want to find that one person that I feel I honestly connect with on all levels. Someone that I can be honest with them about my past and they accept it as that my past and get to know me for the person that I have become today. A person that I am proud to be. A person that is constantly growing and changing and sets goals high and loves the challange of achieving them. To find someone to have stimulating conversation with yet be comfortable in complete silence. To not feel as if I am being judged with each question. I want someone to will take the time to get to know me, the real me. Someone who is not afraid to open up and be themselves in return. Who will be willing to allow someone into their life.

I guess when it all boils down, I want someone who understands me, someone who likes the same things I do, and I can carry on a conversation.

Enough for the moment... My thoughts are imcomplete...
jstmealways: Rainbow Graphics (Default)
Honestly amazing how much changes in such short periods of time. How many things can cross your plate! Whirlwind of emotions and trying to make heads and tails of all of the thoughts going through my mind. In several ways I feel connected to a couple of people but not sure where to take these thoughts/feelings. I have had my fair share of people comming in and gracing my life and moving on just as quickly as they have come into it. There are a few people that have come into my life recently that I really can see myself caring for. Trying to decide what is the best path for me to follow. I never thought that it would be this hard to make a move in my life. I want so badly to make the right decision, to move on forward with my life.

My heart has mended from the past I have been able to move past those things that have been haunting me for so long making me be someone that I am not. I finally feel free from all of my problems and all of the things that I have gone through. I have done a lot of damage to lots of people in the past. I have been trying to make things right with people. I have come to find out that it is much harder than I thought that it would be, however this is something that I need to do for myself. Something that I need to do to complete the cycle of walking through my past and moving onto the future.


Maybe I am just at the point where I am to try new things, really get to know someone before I take that next step. To move slow. I always seem to jump head first into everything. Hell, I am rambling.. and really tired for once..
jstmealways: Rainbow Graphics (Default)
Constant thoughts running through my mind, some that make no sense at all others making perfect sense. I wish I could make something of these thoughts. I spend my time trying to outrun the thoughts in my head. Making sure that I leave no trail of these thoughts. I try to live without them, yet they always return to me. Just as my nightmare has worked its way back into my dreams at night. I thought I finally shed that part of my thoughts. I wish I could explain all of this to someone and know that they will honestly understand. Yet, I have tried to do this before and they just look at me like "Oh My God". So I give, I keep them to myself. I wish I could be one of those people that have no stress and anxiety. That the biggest thing you have to worry about in your day is everyone else's business. That you have nothing in your life that you are stressed about or that fills your mind with thoughts constantly and no matter what you do you cant get rid of them. To live everyday afraid that the next attack is soon comming. When you tell these people about your "medical" problem they say its all in your head. I don't get that. I don't understand how people can be so blind. I know that I act different when I am having these moments, hours, days, weeks.. my chest felt as if it were caving in on me last night, breathing became a chore, painful each breath did indeed come to me.. I just want it all to stop.. I want to run and hide from everything but I know that solves nothing...

My dear, you know who you are.. thank you for helping me through this. Friendships like this come once in a lifetime, and I cherish yours dearly. I hope we never drift apart again. Thanks for being such a good friend, thanks for being the one that understands me, thanks for never expecting anything in return too.. *hah* I love yah!
jstmealways: Rainbow Graphics (Default)
So had quite a busy day today, actually a busy weekend. Lots of things going on in preperation to this comming weekend. Funny, most of the time on Sundays I am no where close to planning the next weekend but now it is mandatory. I still have a lot to accomplish. I thought I was done with Christmas shopping but it seems I have left a few folks out. Paycheck comes tomorrow, although most of it is dedicated to bills I will have to squeeze a few gifts out of it as well.

My day started with snow gently drifting from the sky above (thankfully not a bit of it stuck), then the 1hr 20min drive to IL to meet up with Cindy and Zach to turn around and head back into St. Louis to go to the Rams game.. noon kickoff.. Sarah was up early, but running late as usual. It was a good game to watch, quite a bit of good ol' football action, plus I love watching all of the people in the stands. (That is what us people watchers do) I love to watch how people interact with one another, how they show excitement and their disappointment. Both of these things you see a lot of at sports functions. I was even raised out of my seat a time or two both for good and bad reasons.

After the game was done we took off to the St. Louis Galleria (a mall for those of you who dont know) and Cindy and Zach finished their christmas shopping. It was kind of amazing that the mall was not as packed as I would have thought. Oh well, good news for us. heh

Then we went to meet up with Cindys mom and dad at church to watch the Lighting of the Christmas tree. Made me feel better about missing church for the past three weeks. It was kind of nice I suppose in that churchy get in the spirit of christmas sort of way. I love listening to choirs especially good ones, and this one was pretty good. They had a bunch of the girls dressed as angels that danced to most of the songs, very well put together I must say.

By this time we were all starving so we headed to Applebees, the home of Sarahs favorite drink where I had a little to much to drink and am feeling a tad bit lightheaded.

I found myself today having obscure thoughts in my mind, random thoughts, ones that didnt belong together. I dunna, am going to have to try and figure out what they meant. I am tired.. and really need to get to sleep. I was going to play hooky from work tomorrow but forgot that we are having the departments Christmas lunch.. so I at least have to go long enough to be there for that.. I may go just for that.. I have a lot of shit to get done this week.. and so little time to get it done in... plus try to keep up with my social life...

I am thinking of you tonight, you know who you are, you are in my thoughts as I know I am in yours I can't wait for the time that we can spend together holding one another. These thoughts are what keep me warm at night.. thank you babe!!
jstmealways: Rainbow Graphics (Default)
Christmas shopping is almost done, have to pick up a couple of small items but I know EXACTLY what they are and it will be a quick in and out of the store. Everything is wrapped and under the tree.. well not really under the tree but stacked nicely in front of the fireplace. The house is looking very festive and its supposed to snow tonight or tomorrow. Not much just an inch or so. They are saying no white christmas for us though it will be mild, meaning not bitterly cold outside.

Tomorrow I get to attend the Rams game.. looking forward to it, plus I get to see Cindy and Zach again.. its been awhile. We will most likely celebrate christmas.. Hell I dunna... hmm.. well I think I am going to finish my dvd burning..
jstmealways: Rainbow Graphics (Default)
So.. since August work has been promising me this position.. well.. come to find out I will not be getting the position afterall (unless I get really lucky before Wed). Its really okay with me. I think this is kinda what I needed to get my butt in gear and move on to something else. So I have been spending a lot of time with resumes and so forth trying to network as much as possible. Using everything I have to find me something, anything computer/office related I will take at this point I just want to move on. I dunna.. I will see what happens this week.

So, now for my little rant.. besides everything that is happening with me at work I am watching them as they screw over a really good friend of mine at work. She is so dedicated and hardworking, she is always there and is dependable.. it makes me so mad. She is just like I am now so mad at them and want to screw them over. Yet there are people that we work with that do nothing and are never there and they get everything handed to them on a plate. It makes no sense to me but I am not management so what can I say really.

Aww crap, I gotta get to sleep.. I really wanna go and see Cindy tomorrow morning!!
jstmealways: Rainbow Graphics (Default)
Things have been moving along somewhat normally and I have been keeping myself busy. There are so many things that I hope to accomplish by the end of the year I can hardly believe it is less than a month away. So much has changed this year it is kinda unbelieveable. I have changed. I am a completely different person than I was a year ago. For that I am extremely thankful.

I hope everyone is doing well, I have been doing a horrible job of keeping in touch with people. I will post more this weekend. I have a lot on my mind, just no time to write.
jstmealways: Rainbow Graphics (Default)
As a child you think that the more friends you have the better right? Growing up and becoming an adult has proved that wrong to me. I feel that the fewer friends you have the closer that they are and the more that you can trust them. I have been stabbed in the back by more friends than I can honestly remember. What I do remember is how it felt and that I promised myself that I would never treat anyone in that manner. I feel that friends are an extension of family, these are people that know the most about you and those that you trust with your problems, your fears, your joys, and most commonly your secerts. Sometimes its hard to tell who is honestly friend and who is foe. Usually this takes time to find out and once you do discover someone you thought was a friend is honestly a foe. I have found that about several people in my life, people that I thought that I could trust and be honest with. Yet, in the end they enjoy talking about you behind your back and making your life their amusement because they have nothing better to do than to pry into your personal affairs and make those affairs known to all those around you. I don't understand why people must be like this. How sad their lives must be if they have nothing better to do than to sift through someone else's life. I have thought about not journaling anymore because I am sure my journal is a source of information for them seeming as I no longer talk to these people. Yet, this is one of my outs.. a vent. This is my soapbox.

Believe it or not folks, I am happy, I am enjoying my life and living it to my specifications and no one else's. I like where I am at in life, I like the person that I am. I am HAPPY and don't rely on anyone else for this happiness. I don't have to know everyone's business around me.. nor do I find it necessary to spread things around about other people.

I would like to think that to those of you who consider me a friend.. I am a true friend.. nothing more.. or less...
jstmealways: Rainbow Graphics (Default)
I finally made the jump and put linux on my laptop, very happy girl I am now. I am loving it. Now I need to get mail and all that switched over to it so I can just use my laptop as my general workstation and get rid of this windows machine. I am in my glory today.

Walking with my head held high and a bounce in my step I feel as if I am back to myself again. Full of life and happiness and glad to be living and breathing.
jstmealways: Rainbow Graphics (Default)
I am such a blonde.. I completely locked myself out of one of my computers today, so I am having fun using Linux boot disks trying to find a good crack for Win Admin passwords.. my HDD is sata and well, none of the ones that I have found like the sata nor my chipset for that matter. So I am duplicating my sata onto and IDE drive and will go from there. I should be leaving work now but I have a feeling I will be here for a bit longer because I can't leave with knowing I am locked out. Haha! I must be home by 6 tho.. I am cooking dinner tonight. Ahh.. back to progress..

As I awake

Nov. 2nd, 2005 10:21 am
jstmealways: Rainbow Graphics (Default)
I lay in bed wondering if this day is going to be any different than yesterday. Is there a hope that things will become more clear in my head. I look around me and see chaos. Self-destruction. I need to find my path again a path that at one time was so clear to me. I know now how much I want to get done and all of the goals that I have set for myself and I am wondering when I will be able to accomplish them all. I have completely allowed myself to get off of my path and to have been mislead. I need to focus on work and school and make my goals reality. My dreams at night are full of wonder and awe. I wish my everyday life could be anything like the dreams that I am having. I awaken in the morning feeling refreshed and relaxed a feeling that is so new to me. I stand in the shower allowing the water to wash off of me all of the bad in my life allowing me to start each day anew. Everyday is another new beginning. Another day to have a chance to leave your footprint. I am happy, honestly happy and alone. I can see this now. I like it this way. I like knowing that I can succeed in life with no one else by my side. I have a few wonderful friends and those that I can confide in which is all I need at this point. Everything else is just a distraction. These glorious thoughts always come a few days to late.. but better late than never..

I feel alive again.. so those of you who try and bring me down and like to pry into a persons personal life and talk about it behind my back FUCK OFF!!! You are no friend to me.. you are not needed in my life.. go away!! Please!! I beg you to just leave my life alone.. I am allowed to make whatever decisions I want in life and you are no one to be talking about my life to anyone else... live your own life.. leave mine alone.
jstmealways: Rainbow Graphics (Default)
When you know in your mind EXACTLY what you want to say but when it comes to your moment to speak those few choice words you freeze with nothing to say other than yeah or okay or whatever or alright. I have done this so many times in life I can not wait for the time when it comes to just be opening my mouth and saying what is my honest thought at that moment. Not just avoiding the confrontation but to get what I want said and off of my chest. I have found so many times that I withold what I honestly am thinking or feeling to spare the other person. I act or treat them in a cordial manner hoping that in return they will remember my kind heart and treat me the same. Well that is over with for me now. I am tired of always being the nice guy, tired of always catering to what other peoples wants and needs are.. you know I am a person to and I do have needs and wants and would do anything in this world to find just ONE FREAKING PERSON that understands this and wants to accomodate me for once..

Wow.. I needed to blow that steam... I feel better now.. time to watch TV and smoke.. Life can be good.. must be strong and speak your thoughts.. thick skin and tough heart.. I will survive...

Halloween

Oct. 31st, 2005 04:46 pm
jstmealways: Rainbow Graphics (Default)
It is cold, dark and rainy on this Halloween, totally suiting to my mood here recently. So many things that have happened none of them life altering or anything, just lots to think about recently. I wish for one day I could just wake up and not be thinking about work, Reuben, and all of the things that I still want to accomplish in a very short amount of time. I don't understand why I have such a problem with attaching myself to people so quickly, why I allow my emotions to over rule my decision making. I know what I want right now and it is indeed solitude. I want to be left alone to think and complete these goals that I have set for myself. I have very high expectations of myself and I know that in order to do them I need to concentrate on me and my life. I know that having someone else in my life I will then allow them to consume me and their wants and needs will then shortly become mine, loosing sight of what I want and need out of life. I need this time alone. I enjoy time alone. I don't mind being single and I know that in the end I will be much more self confident.

Stay strong.. be true to myself.. everyone that steps in my way can fuck off!!
jstmealways: Rainbow Graphics (Default)
Its been one of those days that it seems that nothing seems quite right. You start things off on a bad note and as the day progresses things get worse by the hour. My boss really has no backbone and this does prove to cause problems. Problems that it does seem that the entire department has to deal with in some way or another. I think that work is getting pretty shitty and I am honestly considering going elsewhere.. but if I change do I stay in this area or do I venture into a new chapter of my life. Changing more than just my place of employment. I would say that I have good reasons to stay where I am at but at the moment nothing seems to be comming to mind. I know that maybe sleeping on this subject could shed new light on things.. see how the next few days go. I mean, I will I already know that but still.. I hate feeling so damn pissed at work..

ahh.. my mind is running in so many directions that I just cant think straight.

Blows

Oct. 12th, 2005 01:57 pm
jstmealways: Rainbow Graphics (Default)
Sometimes you have those days that just really suck ass. I mean nothing has gone right today, I am in a shitty mood, I am moody and just feel like I should be a zombie on my couch watching some crazy psychological thriller or something. Currled up with me and my dog just relaxing instead of trying to work. It is just impossible. I wish I could be at home.

While I am wishing, I wish I could read peoples thoughts, that would be great, no guessing or wondering what they are thinking, you would just know.. wouldnt that be great?

Ahh... back to fetching price quotes.

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