jstmealways: (Wish I could Say)
[personal profile] jstmealways
So okay, we weren't married, we didn't have a wedding... but we shared every aspect of our lives, we vowed our love for one another, we shared raising children, we shared all the big things and all the little things.

I have been down this road before, I have been hurt before, I have thought that I was doing okay before, and then something hits. Something happens and it hits me like a huge slap in the face. Its like I completely go backwards to where I thought that I was. For the first time ever, I am looking to find a place of my own, buy the stuff needed to fill it, and make it ... alone. Something I have never done. Its intimidating to say the least. So not only am I dealing with the fact that the one relationship I honestly thought somehow would make it through all of life's ups and downs has crumbled. Trying to remain friends, trying to pick up the pieces and go on with life as if it were all normal. All of this just plain hurts. Hurts like nothing else I have ever felt before. I feel raw, beaten, and just alone. I dont know who to talk to about this. I dont know who will honestly hear everything that I have to say, things I feel that I NEED to get off of my chest to be able to breathe again. To be able to just live..

I don't know what that feels like anymore.. to just live.. to just breathe...

I am scared, scared that I can't make it on my own. Scared I am not strong enough to do this. Scared that I cant hold it together. How do you find the strength to carry on? To take these huge leaps forward.... feeling like there is no one there to honestly catch me if I fail. No one to share this with. I don't know what its like to completely be alone. I don't know how...

Dont know how I am going to survive...
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November 2009

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