A lot has changed for me recently. I feel a constant sense of nervousness in me. Instability. I want to be settled. I want to be comfortable again. Transition is always very hard on me. Not knowing where things are, not knowing where your going or when. Or even how.
I used to say that I was an overall happy person. I don't know if that is how I could define myself now. I feel much more dark than I ever was. I feel that happiness isn't something that is meant for me. Maybe I don't allow happiness. Maybe I am the reason. I don't really know. I know that I have gone through life and have all these people that love me but no one wants to stay with me. Since the past has repeated itself I am sure now that the issue is me. There is something wrong with me. And its hard because of course those will tell you, "Oh no its not you" but no matter how many times it is said thats how it feels on the inside. Yes, sometimes people just don't work. Sometimes people drift apart. And sometimes this happens for one person in a relationship but not the other. Right now I am dealing with a lot of thoughts. A lot of confusion. I am sure I am the reason for most of this. I am sure that I am making things harder than they need to be right now. But I cant stop the thinking. I can't stop the wondering. I can't stop the pain. I thought by now I would be able to handle things a little easier. I thought that I would have a better grip on life and what it had in store for me. To have it in my mind that this is what is best. That this is what was needed and that I need to be supportive and loving and caring and I need to put other feelings aside. But really inside I feel as if I am drowning. I am hurt. I am upset. I am scared. I am worried. I am a little mad. I feel that decisions are made for me sometimes. Because I can't find my own voice. That I can't but those thoughts into the right words. That I can't express myself correctly. That I stumble constantly on how to communicate. My words get jumbled, thoughts scrambled.
I want to be in their lives. I truly do. Its something that I have never doubted. But will it get easier? The pain when I am there will it go away? To see the three people that were my life, my everything. The three people that helped define who I was. Yes, I can be there whenever I want I have not been denied anything. I could come and go as I please. But at night when I want to be able to hear the girls or look over and know she is there for me. To know that if I go to hug her I wont feel guilty or wonder if I shouldn't That when I just need someone to be there to know what I am feeling without speaking a word I can look at her and know she know's what I am feeling and will know exactly what to said or do to make me feel better. I am afraid that the pain that I am feeling right now if I spend too much time there then I will end up saying or doing something that I shouldnt and then putting a wedge in between us. Or damage our friendship. I am scared that I will get hurt again even more. I don't know how I am supposed to feel. I know when I am there I am happy to be around all of them I am happy that when I am there they show that they missed me and are happy I am there. Which makes it worse for me because I miss them SO much. I miss them, everything about them. I feel so empty.. so alone. So scared. I just wish I had answers...
And for this.. I plug in my earbuds.. click to some of my favorite music and hope to drown my sorrows in music.